Stuck.

Considering my last post was about ED, I feel as if I new to clarify my point of view on this.

We’ve had conversations about his ED and sexual appetite (or lack thereof). Honestly, I feel as if I don’t have a choice.

I don’t want to emasculate him by reminding him that he can’t perform; and I wasn’t going to. The problem is, my boyfriend doesn’t see his ED as a problem. He says that he’s gotten over it at a certain age, since thinking about it was going to make it worse. I understand to an extent.

It’s one thing to put it in the back of your mind when you’re at your horniest peak. But he’s a grown man now. He should be reflecting back on his past and present, and build up the courage to go see a doctor. If he’s still in denial about it, he’s never going to get motivated to go see a professional or seek help.

I don’t think ED is a big deal. I just think his lack of concern about it is what’s worrying me.

I can’t just tell him that he needs to go see a doctor, and that his lack of worry is, in itself, a problem.
But now that I know the truth, I can’t ignore it and pretend it’s not there.

Again, I’m not upset about his ED. I’m more concerned about his physical and mental health.

The worst part is, I’m his girlfriend, and yet, I can’t do anything about it. It’s because I’m his girlfriend, I can’t do anything about it. I feel like I’m going through this alone. And I have no one to talk to about it.

ED: a super serial confession about erectile dysfunction

I know I’ve written a couple of posts questioning my boyfriend’s sexual libido. As readers may now have guessed, I believe sex is an important part of a relationship. I’ve been thinking day and night on how we could improve our sex life, or at least make it pleasurable for him. But I believe I’ve finally hit a conclusion.

I’ve always had a gut feeling that my boyfriend had ED, but I didn’t want to put labels on it until I heard the word from him. The last thing he needed was his girlfriend questioning his manhood. Funny thing is, he thought he had told me already! So we nervously slipped into the conversation, and we talked about his abilities to get hard.

Although you hear plenty of stories from the people struggling with ED, I don’t think there is enough stories about the person on the other side; the receiver of the D.
Well, here’s my story.

I’ll first admit that sometimes, I get frustrated and self conscious. I can’t help but question if it’s me that can’t get him turned on. But I also realize that it’s not about me when it happens. In fact, the “is it me” idea is so selfish, that I immediately regret thinking it.
Can you imagine what he must be feeling when it happens? Nothing I think or do can even come close to what he’s going through.

But what he doesn’t understand is that I’m not bothered by it as much as he thinks. Yeah, I like sex. But sex isn’t the reason I’m going out with him. Let’s not forget that sex isn’t as good if it isn’t with him. If it doesn’t work at the time, it doesn’t work. There’s nothing we can do about it (unless he takes pills), and I’m okay with that. When it does work, we’ll take that opportunity and have fun, but it’s not the end of the world, just because he can’t seem to get hard.

I just need him to trust me, and stop thinking that his manliness is all in his dick. Yes, it’s called a manhood, but I’ve judged (most girls do) him for his personality and attitude, more than his reproductive organs. (Besides, he does have the organ.)

He tells me I’m beautiful, cooks dinner for me, picks me up especially if it gets late, comes to family dinners, converses with my friends, and supports any decisions I make about my future. (He also buys me ice cream! Best guy everrrrrrr)
He’s the greatest guy I’ve ever met, manlier than any guy that’s ever been in my life, and I just wish that my feelings for him speak louder than his dick’s actions.

I can’t stress enough that I just want him to be comfortable being with me, as I do when I’m with him. I’m here to support any decision he makes about his manhood, and I’ll respect it. In fact, there’s nothing embarrassing about ED. It’s not a choice, and I understand that. So shouldn’t we go through this together? Is our relationship still not strong enough for him to rely on me?
I honestly couldn’t care what the “normal” thing to do in this situation is; I just want to be a comfort for him, no matter the outcome.

Ice cream is exquisite. What a pity it isn’t illegal.

-Voltaire

New Years Sex and Resolutions

“Distance makes the heart grow fonder”
My boyfriend went away for a week to his hometown for the Christmas break, and came back a day before New Year’s Eve.
Although it was just a week, I believe I experienced something called “holy-crap-I-miss-you-for-inappropriate-reasons-that-cannot-be-discussed-with-anybody-during-Christmas-dinner”.

There was just something there. Counting down the days until I got to pounce on him, rip up his shirt, tease him while nipping at his bottom lip. There was just something there.

As soon as he got back, we decided to wait a touch longer since it WAS almost the new year, and we wanted to have mind blowing sex in 2015.

So as we counted down the days together, and we did the count down, we found the perfect opportunity to have sex.

BAM! There it was. The pure bliss of sex that I had been yearning for. It just reminded me of how sex became a routine thing for us, when it should’ve been an exciting time for both. There was a different connection when both of us just couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. Unlike those times when only one of us was horny, we both craved each other like crazy, and went at it like rabbits.

Not to mention, we didn’t do any crazy sex positions. (Yeah, it was THAT good. We didn’t need to switch positions. It was just a crazy ride from start to finish with just the basic positions)

I already learned that sex isn’t something that should ever become a chore. But I relearned the importance of wanting each other. Personally, I want him to want me as much as he did on New Years (and several days after that).
It’s hard to plan the future ahead, but one thing I CAN say for sure is that if 2015 sex is anything like how it started off, we’re going to have a wonderful year.

If I got to give any advice to any of the readers out there, it’s this: sure, a relationship isn’t all about sex. But at times, it’s important to look back and fidget with your relationship so you can both find the fire again.

With that said, my resolution for the year (relationship aspect):
Flirt and tease like at the beginning of the relationship. Oh, and never forget to communicate!

Sex and More Resentment?

I never believed that sex was an important part of a relationship. I thought that the two parties can work it out, and people just make it work. People make compromises, and they keep the other person satisfied to an extent. And a problem does arise, they realize just how silly the topic is, and move on. Man, was I wrong.

Let me put on record, that I thought I was the last person on this Earth to face this problem. I thought I would either be with someone who has a high libido, or compromise with a guy who had a low libido. Either way, I didn’t think “sex” would turn into resentment, and so much hate.

What’s going on right now in my life is very simple. In fact, it’s so simple, that most people can guess it by just reading the introduction of this post. (If you read the other posts, even better. If you really have read my other posts, thank you). I’m being bitter and ignoring the problem as long as I can, about our sex life. (or lack thereof)

I hate it. I hate how much sex we’re having (or not having). I want to have hot sweaty sex, and I’m not sure why I’m not having it. I’m actually not quite sure what I’m doing wrong.

I can take a lot of hits. It takes a lot for me to just breakdown into complete blubber, but my self esteem has takes such a hit, that I’m starting to breakdown into just an unsexy, unwanted, selfish bitch.

Unsexy and unwanted because my boyfriend just told me he didn’t feel like sex (for the 100th time), and a bitch cause I’m giving him the cold shoulder.

You know, it’s not even the lack of sex that’s upsetting me. It’s the fact that we’ve done this so many times, and yet, we still can’t seem to find the answer to make us both satisfied. It’s the fact that you’ve admitted to not having sex with me as much as you should be, and you don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. It’s the fact that I’m always the one instigating sex and fights about it.

I’m so tired of being upset, and being let down, and feeling worthless, and just… trying to convince you and me that we can work this out. Is there really a solution? Do you even see what it’s doing to me? What it’s doing to every word you say?

You call me beautiful, but you don’t show it. And every time you can’t have sex with me, I think your words are lies. Think about it. I can only take so much….

Let there be… More sex!

Has anybody ever fallen into that spiral of “oh-my-god-I’m-not-getting-laid-enough”?
And you realize that the pace you’re going at is probably not going to change?
So the only question you’re asking yourself is if sex is really important in a relationship?
Well, do I have a post for you.

I used to believe in the idea of “Hollywood-sex”. What does that consist of? Both parties being extremely satisfied at the end of sex. I’ve also quickly realized that in most cases, this is not true.

If it were up to me, I would pounce on my boyfriend, every chance I get, and ask him to have sex with me in the dirtiest way possible.

The expression “lady on the streets but a freak in the sheets” (lyrical geniuses) is a respectful way for a girl to show a guy how much she appreciates him. And I would also like to use this tactic.

Let’s talk sex positions for a second. (We might as well touch base with all the topics)
There are so many sex positions we haven’t tried, that the curiosity is starting to eat at me.
I mean, we’ve had our fair share of experimenting, but I think we can do so much more if he just let’s loose.

Am I allowed to go in depth about sex on here? I’m not sure.
But with the pace I’m getting laid at, I won’t have much to update on.

Hey, a girl can be horny too.

S.E.X (Yup! I’m gonna talk about it!)

Sex is such a delicate topic, that it’s hard to be truthful to the person you love. If you ask me, it should be a topic that every couple talks about openly, but that’s rarely the case. Especially when it comes to a male and a female, it’s hard to understand what the other partner wants. “Lick me there” is easy to do, but it’s hard to understand why it’s “there” and not “here”.

Lately, I’ve been having frustration towards “sex”, and it’s been eating at me as to why. I know the reason, but it’s not something that goes away immediately. Every couple has their problems, and mine is the following:
My boyfriend doesn’t orgasm when he has sex with me, but he continues to masturbate over the week.

I know it’s not a big deal, and that I should be considerate of my boyfriend’s masturbation schedule, but when he can’t orgasm while having sex with me, I would like to say a few words. Why can’t he think of a way to balance the two, and actually still orgasm while having sex with me? And why is it okay that we have sex when he wants, but when I want it, he just apologizes?

Just a couple of factors involved: I have a higher libido than he does, and I’m usually the one to initiate it. I’ve also been okay with masturbation, and have no problems with porn.

He even lied to me about porn and masturbation. He told me he had gone cold turkey. When I found the porn on his phone, he fessed up, and said that he masturbates a lot. I don’t mind that, but he shouldn’t have lied to me about it. When I asked him why he lied, he told me he was “embarrassed” of his actions. I told him I was open about it, and that he shouldn’t be embarrassed at all, and that it was only natural that he do it too.

We’ve come to an understanding that he could masturbate as much as he wants, as often as he wants between Monday-Thursday. I know it doesn’t help to put him on a schedule, but I see him on the weekends, and I would like every bit of his sexual appetite on me. If he could balance it all, I don’t care when and how often he masturbates. But when he only orgasms once when he’s with me over the weekend (we have sex more than once over the weekend), I get a tad bit jealous of his… hand.

I don’t know how else to tell him that I would like to be the main source of his sexual pleasure (not the only, but the main source). Any ways of communication that worked for anybody? I could really use some assistance….

Compromise: A Suggestion, An Answer. Nay, The Truth

I’ve decided to do this post just because it’s been on my mind. I’ve read so many “relationship help” posts on other websites, that I just realized that the answer to most of these “helps” is really easy; compromise. Let me explain what I mean.

You’re dealing with a completely different person that’s not you. That person is a stranger. You have no idea what that person is thinking, and you don’t know what makes them tick (unless they tell you). Without verbal communication, it’s hard to maintain a good relationship. But because being verbal is only step one in a relationship, and I assume everybody does it, I would like to go into step two, which would be compromising. 

Example 1: 
“My boyfriend wants to go out drinking with his friends but I rarely get to see him, and would like to use that time to spend time with him. How do I ask him to not go?!” 
Well really. It’s simple. If he’s a guy that’s not respecting spending time with you every single week, break up with him. If we’re talking about a reasonable guy who does spend time with you but he’s taking a weekend to hang out with his buddies, let him go. If it’s bothering you that he’s going every two weeks, and you think it’s too much, compromise. It’s really not hard, and it’s not rocket science. 
Tell him that you don’t mind him going out with his buddies, as long as he spends the next weekend with you doing what you guys both like. 

Example 2
“My boyfriend wont come see (insert rom-com name here) with me. I want him to come at least once. What can I do?” 
Again, I would like to point out that rom-coms are not popular with guys. They’re cheesy, and they give unrealistic expectations to guys because the characters are too dashing and whatnot. So what do you do? You give him a compromise. You do something he likes, just as much, to go see this romantic movie with him.

Example 3
“My boyfriend has a low libido,, and I have a high one. He never wants to have sex. What do I do?” 
This one is tricky because libidos are built in your DNA. There’s no changing one’s libido all of a sudden. Sure, medication can help, but how do you ask your partner to be on meds? 
Communication is also key with this one. Why don’t you make a time schedule? It may not sound as “sexy” as it should be, so don’t make a timetable out of it, but tell him how often you’d like to have sex, and ask him how often he would. Then, find a middle ground to those dates, and ask him to put out. Also put in some guidelines; like if you are having sexy time, put your back into it. Neither of you can change your libidos, so just find the middle ground. 

All of these examples and the idea of compromise itself is only if you want it to work with the person. If you’re second guessing your relationship with him, just get out of it. Both of you deserve to be happy, and a compromise is the most civil way to go about any of the relationship problems that may occur. Of course there are the occasional it’s-only-one-person’s-fault kind of incidents, but if it’s about making schedules and how to handle different hobbies, lifestyles, etc, a compromise is best. 

The Beauty of Silence- And then Hits Boredom

With all the fights and cuddling that relationships go through, there really isn’t much time to talk about the silence that comes up between the two individuals. Since you two are complete strangers, you have no idea what the other person is thinking, and you it may lead to silence. I, for one, know that I talk a lot. I mean, I’m a girl. I naturally just talk. I am also one of those people who create stories out of the blue and pretend that they are happening (no, I’m not crazy). Most of the time, my boyfriend enjoys my stories and plays along. Other times, we just kind of both fall into a quiet abyss and drift into boredom. 

My weekend was filled with “relaxation”. I only put that in quotations because it truly was relaxing, but not in the sense that I got to just lounge and spend time with my boyfriend like I was in a John Mayer music video. (You know “Your Body is a Wonderland”? Have you ever seen the music video for that?!) So what did we do? We actually did nothing. We laid in bed and talked, watched Youtube videos, and played a game on his computer. It was entertaining, draining 10 hours on a PC game, but it was something we were totally comfortable doing. I mean, sex was always on the table, but neither of us really took it. We were both so caught up in the video game, that we decided that we need to finish it in two days, and put sex on the back burner. 

I usually don’t mind these “lazy weekends”, as we call them. They give you time to just unwind and forget about your work load over the week. No matter what you do for work, it’s always nice to just cuddle up in someone’s arms and call it what it is, talking about imaginary planets and clouds shaped like bunnies that come to life. But then we hit the bump of “boredom”. Has anybody really found out the difference between “boredom” and “silence”? When is it okay to have one and not the other? And just because you hit “boredom” at that one point in your relationship, does that mean that you’re going to be bored with that person for the rest of the relationship? In other words, IS MY RELATIONSHIP DOOMED?!

Of course not. You’re allowed to be bored with the other person. You’re still in the stage of “respecting” the other person. I was there for the whole weekend, lying on his bed and playing games. Of course you’ll get bored of me. I mean, if I had to consciously think about my own existence all of the time, I think I’d get bored too. And I truly appreciate the fact that you’re making an effort to keep me entertained. But I’m not a chore. I’d rather have you just lay in silence while so I could take the hint. 

So what exactly do I want to say in this post? Silence is beautiful. Boredom, not so much. But I think boredom is tied to comfort. The more you’re comfortable with the person, the more you’ll get bored of being with that person, or realize that there isn’t a need to constantly have excitement in the relationship. Although “comfort” would be a better word than “boredom”, as long as there’s an understanding that things are finally coming into calm waters, I think it’ll all be okay. 

*Also, THE STICK OF TRUTH was awesome!! It’s so addicting! *
A tiny bit of game review: There is so much content to the game itself. It ties in to the show (South Park, duh) perfectly, and they really try and get all the characters in there. Even…. oh, I can’t tell you! Also, they go into Canada!! The way they laid out Canada was also very cool. The characters were obviously superb, and the more you work on the quests, the more you’ll be able to use the characters. The entire game is really well thought out! 8/10 for me!!! (Just a tad bit short for a game I was so highly anticipating. Thus the minus 2)

 

Commitmentphobia

Even with all the communicating that we do, we still run into some walls. I’m a head-on type of person, so I’d rather try and hit the wall, than just sit back and stare. So the one thing I noticed about him almost immediately, was his commitment-phobia. Where do I even start with this topic?

Commitment-phobia: Noun. Being afraid of committing to a person for various of personal reasons. (“committing” to be defined as being in a relationship with a person, usually romantic)

I know a lot of people who suffer from commitment-phobia. It usually shows up in men, as they are scared of being “tied down” to one person, and not having his freedom. It can also arise from bad past experiences, such as, an ex cheating on him.
In most cases, men who have commitment-phobia are unable to continue a long term relationship, and go out of their ways to avoid it at all costs.

So why did my boyfriend even try online dating if it would’ve been so much easier for him to find one-night stands at parties? He tells me that it was because he was ready to “try” the dating scene again, with an open mind. And that was exactly what he did.

When I first realized that my boyfriend was a commitment-phobe, I was skeptical that anything good would come out of being in a relationship with him. So I built a defense system. I was ready to ask this guy to be monogamous, but I wasn’t ready to leap into this relationship like some people do, just because I knew his relationships had not lasted longer than 6 months before.

Even with skepticism, I decided to give this guy a chance. And I’m glad I did. We started at a really slow pace (we’re still proceeding like a turtle), and I’m actually okay with it. If he’s not comfortable with taking the next big step, whether it be saying “I love you” or moving in together, I decided to give him some time. If it was something that was truly important to me, I would express my feelings to him, and we’d talk it out. But I respect the pace we’re going at, just because I know he’s trying to move forward no matter the pace.

Commitment-phobia doesn’t just go away. It’s not as if one day, he/ she is going to wake up and realize that he/she can make long term plans. But if the partner is patient with him/her, he/she will find a way to express his/her love in a different way.

Online Dating and the Aftermath

So I met a guy, as I wrote on my first post, through online dating. I’m not sure why I tried it in the first place, considering how unready I was to be in a relationship. I guess I thought it would be fun to chat with someone an have a flirtatious conversation while not being sexually harassed.

I had gone to meet some of the other guys, (only because they requested to do so.) and it never really worked. But with this one, something was different. He was cuter than he was in his picture, and our conversation really clicked. When he asked me for my number, I gave it to him.

The days that ensued seemed like ages. He waited 2 days until he finally texted me, asking me if I wanted to go see “Don Jon”. Of course I did. It was a date, and I got to see Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Now, for those of you who don’t know the movie, it is NOT a movie you should go see on your second date. It’s filled with sex, and porn addiction, and all throughout the movie, the onl thing you can think about is the person sitting beside you and how open he/she is about sex.
Luckily, he and I made it work, as we broke the tension with silly questions about the movie, and decided that it was normal for people to react in an awkward way after the movie.

————————————————————————————————————————–

Fast forward a couple of dates later, I realized that I enjoyed his time a lot more than I expected. He was sweet, caring, and funny. Not to mention, how cute he was. He was honest, when it came to his low libido, and I was honest when it came to my high libido. Thinking back on it now, I think we both knew that we were getting closer to each other than either of us anticipated, and it scared us. Me, having trust issues from my past relationship (which I can go into detail, but there’s nothing much to it, other than that he cheated on me), and him, with his commitment-phobia.

We were both, in a way, damaged goods, but maybe that was what made us be cautious, and yet adventurous about our “relationship”. We’re both stubborn, and yet, we didn’t butt heads. Not to mention, our birthdays were only 2 days apart. This was when I started to think that maybe, I was starting to fall for him.