Initiation (Enlighten me)

I thought I had come to terms with this, when in fact, I believe I just bandaged over something that could potentially arise again.

What am I talking about? Initiation.

I think it’s safe to say that all my life, I’ve gone out with guys who suck at initiating anything. Hell, the one boyfriend who did do anything remotely romantic and spontaneous was the stoner kid I went out in middle school.

But as I grew older, I’ve started picking up on a trend; none of my boyfriends like initiating anything, let alone, do anything to surprise me.

Instead of complaining about my exes (who have nothing to do with my current situation and epiphany) I’ve decided to focus on my current beau.

My boyfriend is a sweetheart. He’s as intimidating as a puppy, and he shows affection by ‘cuddling’. He even cuddles more than I do!

But when it comes to initiating, he is not exactly the first person in line.

Like I talked about in my last post, sex is always initiated by me. Going out to dinner to celebrate any holiday or anniversary is usually me. Starting to plan vacations is always initiated by me. The next step in our relationship is initiated by me.

I know this sounds like the typical relationship between a guy an a girl, but is it too much to ask for some voluntary initiation from his side as well?

if you’re not going to initiate sex, can I get some initiation in another department? How about vacation plans? Or just simply asking me to spend more time with you during days off? Simple stuff.

Guys always seem to complain that try don’t now what girls want. But I’m being blunt; INITIATE.

Treat me like a princess sometimes by pretending to play the perfect prince.

S.E.X (Yup! I’m gonna talk about it!)

Sex is such a delicate topic, that it’s hard to be truthful to the person you love. If you ask me, it should be a topic that every couple talks about openly, but that’s rarely the case. Especially when it comes to a male and a female, it’s hard to understand what the other partner wants. “Lick me there” is easy to do, but it’s hard to understand why it’s “there” and not “here”.

Lately, I’ve been having frustration towards “sex”, and it’s been eating at me as to why. I know the reason, but it’s not something that goes away immediately. Every couple has their problems, and mine is the following:
My boyfriend doesn’t orgasm when he has sex with me, but he continues to masturbate over the week.

I know it’s not a big deal, and that I should be considerate of my boyfriend’s masturbation schedule, but when he can’t orgasm while having sex with me, I would like to say a few words. Why can’t he think of a way to balance the two, and actually still orgasm while having sex with me? And why is it okay that we have sex when he wants, but when I want it, he just apologizes?

Just a couple of factors involved: I have a higher libido than he does, and I’m usually the one to initiate it. I’ve also been okay with masturbation, and have no problems with porn.

He even lied to me about porn and masturbation. He told me he had gone cold turkey. When I found the porn on his phone, he fessed up, and said that he masturbates a lot. I don’t mind that, but he shouldn’t have lied to me about it. When I asked him why he lied, he told me he was “embarrassed” of his actions. I told him I was open about it, and that he shouldn’t be embarrassed at all, and that it was only natural that he do it too.

We’ve come to an understanding that he could masturbate as much as he wants, as often as he wants between Monday-Thursday. I know it doesn’t help to put him on a schedule, but I see him on the weekends, and I would like every bit of his sexual appetite on me. If he could balance it all, I don’t care when and how often he masturbates. But when he only orgasms once when he’s with me over the weekend (we have sex more than once over the weekend), I get a tad bit jealous of his… hand.

I don’t know how else to tell him that I would like to be the main source of his sexual pleasure (not the only, but the main source). Any ways of communication that worked for anybody? I could really use some assistance….

The Beauty of Silence- And then Hits Boredom

With all the fights and cuddling that relationships go through, there really isn’t much time to talk about the silence that comes up between the two individuals. Since you two are complete strangers, you have no idea what the other person is thinking, and you it may lead to silence. I, for one, know that I talk a lot. I mean, I’m a girl. I naturally just talk. I am also one of those people who create stories out of the blue and pretend that they are happening (no, I’m not crazy). Most of the time, my boyfriend enjoys my stories and plays along. Other times, we just kind of both fall into a quiet abyss and drift into boredom. 

My weekend was filled with “relaxation”. I only put that in quotations because it truly was relaxing, but not in the sense that I got to just lounge and spend time with my boyfriend like I was in a John Mayer music video. (You know “Your Body is a Wonderland”? Have you ever seen the music video for that?!) So what did we do? We actually did nothing. We laid in bed and talked, watched Youtube videos, and played a game on his computer. It was entertaining, draining 10 hours on a PC game, but it was something we were totally comfortable doing. I mean, sex was always on the table, but neither of us really took it. We were both so caught up in the video game, that we decided that we need to finish it in two days, and put sex on the back burner. 

I usually don’t mind these “lazy weekends”, as we call them. They give you time to just unwind and forget about your work load over the week. No matter what you do for work, it’s always nice to just cuddle up in someone’s arms and call it what it is, talking about imaginary planets and clouds shaped like bunnies that come to life. But then we hit the bump of “boredom”. Has anybody really found out the difference between “boredom” and “silence”? When is it okay to have one and not the other? And just because you hit “boredom” at that one point in your relationship, does that mean that you’re going to be bored with that person for the rest of the relationship? In other words, IS MY RELATIONSHIP DOOMED?!

Of course not. You’re allowed to be bored with the other person. You’re still in the stage of “respecting” the other person. I was there for the whole weekend, lying on his bed and playing games. Of course you’ll get bored of me. I mean, if I had to consciously think about my own existence all of the time, I think I’d get bored too. And I truly appreciate the fact that you’re making an effort to keep me entertained. But I’m not a chore. I’d rather have you just lay in silence while so I could take the hint. 

So what exactly do I want to say in this post? Silence is beautiful. Boredom, not so much. But I think boredom is tied to comfort. The more you’re comfortable with the person, the more you’ll get bored of being with that person, or realize that there isn’t a need to constantly have excitement in the relationship. Although “comfort” would be a better word than “boredom”, as long as there’s an understanding that things are finally coming into calm waters, I think it’ll all be okay. 

*Also, THE STICK OF TRUTH was awesome!! It’s so addicting! *
A tiny bit of game review: There is so much content to the game itself. It ties in to the show (South Park, duh) perfectly, and they really try and get all the characters in there. Even…. oh, I can’t tell you! Also, they go into Canada!! The way they laid out Canada was also very cool. The characters were obviously superb, and the more you work on the quests, the more you’ll be able to use the characters. The entire game is really well thought out! 8/10 for me!!! (Just a tad bit short for a game I was so highly anticipating. Thus the minus 2)

 

The Fight- The Sudden Realization that He’s a Complete Stranger from the Internet

My boyfriend and I don’t have that many “off” weeks. I find it as an accomplishment, just because in my past relationships, I remember constantly fighting about something or being upset with him. Of course there are always times when we don’t see eye to eye, but we rarely fight. So when our first fight came along, I was not only in awe, but I was also relieved that it was over. Considering we had never really had a disagreement, it was interesting to finally be at a crossroads where neither of us were willing to budge. The incident? Silly, really. But isn’t it always the small things people bicker about?

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I didn’t realize we were having an off week until I reached down deep inside of me and realized that I was somewhat frustrated and annoyed with something. I was never able to put a finger on it immediately, but when it kicked in, I was able to confirm with him quickly. So we had our first fight. The cause was me being upset with him, and I just had to burst. Simply put, he “considered” another woman’s schedule to go hiking with her, when he’d never asked me to do ANYTHING that required planning.

And the way he said it to me too. It wasn’t him asking me for permission (which we never do, and I couldn’t care less). Instead, he told me that this lady was texting him back to confirm her dates off to go hiking with him and his roommate. Now, I’ve met this lady. And between you and I (or just me) I couldn’t respect this lady’s lifestyle. Not that I hate her, but she’s not exactly someone I look up to. And just the way she would ask to “confirm” her dates off annoyed me more than I thought it would.

It pissed me off so much, that I immediately went into “shut down” mode, and I just drank my beer really fast. Not the point. The point is, it still hurts me to think that he thought it was okay to plan things for her days off, but never do anything with me during his time off or even ask for mine. Not only that, the weekend they were planning a hike was the first week I had Saturday off, and I thought it would be nice if we could spend time together, considering I had been busy every Saturday since I met him. He also knew about that at the beginning of the month (although he claims that he had planned the hiking trip for over a month ago) and yet, decided to ignore it.

And I may put the cherry on top, when I told him I was upset, he asked me if I wanted to go with him. No, I don’t want to go hiking with the other two. I was just told that you chose plans with them than plans with me, and what made you think that I would like to “join” you when you obviously just tried to bail yourself without having to make tough decisions?

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Again, it’s quite silly when you look back on it, but the anger inside of me burned like the fiery flames of hell. I respected his hobbies, but his spontaneous actions and the inconsideration of y days off do get to me from time to time. In fact, this has happened more than once. There was never an incident with another woman ever again, but his planing skills suck. 

These are the times when I curse OKC. I mean, I know I was technically the one to make the decision to be with this guy, but OKC introduced me to him. And it just scares me knowing that he’s a complete stranger. I didn’t even know of his existence if it wasn’t for OKC. 
As much as I have that site to thank for the good stuff, I also curse that site for the unnecessary fights in my life. 

Back to Advice! (of online dating, of course)

My recent posts have been usually about online dating sites, and how to maneuver around the not so obvious. Do you need photos of yourself up? Do you need to tell the absolute truth? Should you consider going out with a guy who you’re on the fence about? There’s just so many factors playing involved with online dating, that it’s almost ridiculous to try and do it all by yourself. That’s why we have the internet.

So what other advice do I have for the people who need it? Let me do my best to explain things to the best of my abilities.

1) Don’t give up after just one date. It usually takes more than that to actually find the perfect match.
With that said, it doesn’t mean to go to dates left and right without choosing your partners. Pick and choose wisely, but don’t get your hopes down just because date number one didn’t go out as planned. People are different online. So keep your hopes up, and move on or give the guy another try.

2)Match percentage. Ugh, those.
I don’t think you need to obsess over the match percentages. I, for one, wasn’t the type to put much thought into the questions that were being asked on OKC. Which means that those who read my answers may think that they have nothing in common with me. Actually, some of my answers need explaining, or my answers could be persuaded as otherwise, depending on the question. So, what am I trying to say? Maybe consider the guys who were above 50% match with you.

3)What is the most important thing you’re looking for in a guy?
Answer this question. Seriously. And just look for that quality in a guy. It could be as shallow as looks, or a specific book. It doesn’t matter. If he fits into that category, shoot him a message.

4)Don’t read too much into his profile.
Just because he likes Caucasian girls who play D&D, doesn’t mean that you’re not going to fit well with him. In fact, it may surprise the both of you. Just because you’re not a certain ethnicity or lacking one quality that the person is looking for, that doesn’t give you a reason not to message him. Just try it out. Maybe conversation will flow much better than those other people.

Overall, OKC is about meeting people, not analyzing them. Yes, it’s important to be picky to an extent. Don’t let looks be the only thing to sway your decision of messaging the guy or not. But make sure you realize what you’re doing on the site. You’re looking for a human being to spend time with. So give people the benefit of the doubt.

More than Basics (of Online Dating)

I know there have been a lot of articles and columns giving advice on online dating. Simple rules that make it easier for first timers, and trying to prevent catfishing from happening. But what people don’t know is what to do after you’ve covered all the basic instructions. How can one get the full experience of online dating?

So I’ve decided to write this post because my way seemed to work for me. Why keep something good just for myself, when I could help people with my advice? Now, this may not be for everybody, but it’s a different take on online dating, and if it works, it works for you. I’m glad I could be of service.

1) You don’t need a profile photo showing your face. (But you do need a photo of you)
I start out with this particular advice because there are a lot of people (mostly women) who are still uncomfortable with having their photos online, let alone a dating website. I was one of them. So I put up a photo of myself to let people know that I do exist, and I covered my face (exhibit A: my profile photo for here as well) This way, people knew I existed, but I also didn’t have to display myself to the public. If a guy was interested in me, or I was interested in him, I would send him a private message with my photo attached to it.
This also filtered out the assholes who were only selecting through appearances. It’s easier to have a decent conversation when he isn’t telling you how much he’d like to sleep with  you.

2)Send out random conversation starters. Don’t be shy. (Even if you’re a girl)
My point number 2 is sort of an attachment to point 1. If you don’t have a decent profile pic and you’re also searching for a good guy, don’t put yourself on a pedestal. No one is going to message you if you don’t have a good picture (cause let’s be honest, no one wants to message an ugly person). With that said, most guys are nice enough to message you back if you message them first. So shoot him a text and don’t be shy about it. Start off with random openers, like: “Do you like ______?” “Are you a cat person or a dog person?” Just random silly stuff that would make the guy ponder.

3)Be honest, but don’t give yourself entirely away through online conversation.
I only say this to those who like writing paragraph long answers. It’s nice that you’re opening up to that person, and trusting them. I understand that you want him to know things about you. But don’t give yourself entirely away. Leave it for when, and if, you do meet. This way, you can elaborate your stories, and have more to talk about. It’s always nice to find something you have in common, but you don’t want to have nothing to talk about when you do meet the person.

4)Meet the person if they ask to do so.
Don’t be shy. Make sure you’re safe and in a public place, but other than that, meet the guy. If you’re taking your time trying to woo him just online, it’s not going to work. A lot of people expect chemistry when you meet them, so it’s just a waste of time to continuously trying to make him fall in love with you online. Especially with online dating sites, the idea is for you to meet up so don’t expect him to like your personality as soon as you start chatting with him. No matter how great your personality is, sometimes, there just isn’t that chemistry when you meet.

5)Be open to the idea of meeting someone online.
For me, it was hard to actually accept the fact that I met my guy online. It’s kind of embarrassing to admit that I was on OKC, and that that was where I met him. I was embarrassed even before we met, and I considered cancelling my “meet-and-greet” with him. But I pushed myself to go, in case he turned out to be a really great guy, and we had chemistry. Well, I’m glad I went and kept an open mind about it, because I can officially say that I’m happy I met him.
Just be open to new ideas. Don’t just shut down a person because he’s not a knight in shining armor. No matter how you meet him, and no matter what kind of conversation you had online, he may just start growing on you.

These advice were written to help anybody who needs it. It may not be the correct formula for everybody. But if it worked for me, than it could work for some other people too.

The Adventures of Online Dating

I’m going back to the beginning. My adventures on online dating began when I realized that I wasn’t meeting anyone new at my work place. it had been a while since I started working at my current job, and there were barely any male employees. I also am not the type to go out to bars to find that “decent” man, since I don’t believe they exist at bars. So my only choice, or so I thought, was to try online dating. I know it’s been said more than once, but I didn’t try it to find a guy, but maybe a friend who I could go out for drinks and have a good laugh. Other than that, I didn’t have such high hopes in online dating, and didn’t really think I’d meet anybody good, or at all in that matter.

I went on a couple of “first dates”. I wouldn’t exactly call them “dates”, and instead, let’s call it a “meet-and-greet”. It usually started out the same. We would message back and forth for a bit, and he would ask to meet me. I was skeptical about meeting at first, but realized that if I ever wanted to find a friend, I would have to meet them, talk to them in person, and see if we had anything in common. I generally contacted first, as I was sure that no guy really read millions of profiles, and knew that it’d be easier for me to just find someone I had something in common with. I didn’t really look at the match percentage, since it was just a number, and let’s be honest, a human should be able to find more commonalities than a computer.

My first date with a guy was with someone who liked hockey. I am also a hardcore fan, so conversation was smooth. Although I didn’t feel an instant connection with him, I didn’t think much of it. He apparently thought the same thing too, and since he was more serious about finding a girlfriend, he told me he didn’t really want to pursue a friendship with me either. I didn’t mind at all, but I did wonder what this “connection” he was looking for was. What kind of connection am I supposed to look for?

There was another factor that was involved that I should mention. My profile picture did NOT have my face on it. I didn’t feel comfortable plastering my face on a social networking site, especially a dating website. So if I messaged a guy and he messaged back, I was sure to send my photo through email personally to him, rather than keeping him in the dark. It also helped me filter out the guys who were only looking for a one-night stand, as appearance is more important to them than a decent conversation. Also, when people found out I was Asian and didn’t message me back anymore, it was easy to just move on.

I think I went on 3 “meet-and-greets” and none of them were really worth being friends with. Some truly just wanted to fuck, while others were just really really boring in person. There really wasn’t a “click” (although I wasn’t sure what that was), but it was easy to say goodbye to them at the end of the night, and I didn’t really wait in front of my phone for them to call back. So it was easy to just forget about them.

But then I found Ray* on the site. He didn’t have a decent photo on his profile (I could barely see what he looked like), but his interests were sort of like mine. We both enjoyed books, and playing video games from time to time. I asked him if he liked the rain, and that was how our conversation started. By the time he asked me to meet, I was ready to just call it quits and delete my profile. I was bored of the idea. But since we had been talking for a while and he seemed like a nice guy, I decided to go on one last date. (Honestly so.) I even thought about cancelling last minute since it started to rain, and I was dreading going.

I’m glad I changed my mind. I walked over to the coffee shop, and he was reading a blue book. That was his marker. I walked over to him and instantly thought he was cute. But more than that, conversation was amazing. We had so much to talk about. We talked, and talked, and talked, that by the end of the night, it felt like I had known him for years. I didn’t want to say goodnight to him, and I prayed to God he would call me back.

That was the beginning of it all.

*Names have been changed for obvious reasons