Words

I’ve sat and thought about a fitting title for this post, but I can’t seem to find the perfect words.

It’s been a while since my last entry, and it’s not because I haven’t had an eventful life; I’ve just started a routine living with my boyfriend. Like I had imagined, life is wonderful, just because I get to see his face at the end of the day.

With that preface, I just wanted to paint a picture that showed the state I was in: constant bliss. But there are days when our opinions just don’t match, and eventually leads to an “off day”.

Because we live together, sometimes it’s hard to find that spark to ignite a passionate flame. In fact, we’ve built a relationship based on trust and communication, which tends to take a toll on the passion factor. I’m not saying all couples are like that; we just are.

There are different reasons as to what’s wrong with a relationship, and I’m not saying there’s something wrong with ours. I’m just trying to state that all couples have weak spots that they could work on. And our Achilles heel is passion.

Sometimes, I don’t feel sexy and confident at all. And let’s be honest, it doesn’t really matter what I look like. I believe feeling sexy and confident comes from how the other person makes you feel about yourself. In most cases, it’s how the other person acts, or says about/towards you, and this is what makes you go, “he thinks I’m sexy!” I think every girl should experience this, and every guy should make her feel this way at one point or another. (Effort from the girl is always appreciated, of course).

My boyfriend, Ray, isn’t the “I-can’t-keep-my-hands-off-of-you” type. He has a low libido, and I’m okay with that. However, at times, I want to be treated like the femme fetale, with the sexual tension between us. It’s easier said than done, when you see the other person every day.

Last night, all of this came to a head, when I finally decided I was tired of taking the communication route, when it felt like the physical part of our relationship was dwindling. I shut down.

The more Ray tried to ignore it, the worse it got. But I could tell, he was trying to say something that wasn’t like our previous discussions. Finally, he took my stuffed animal and started talking to it.

“The woman I love is frustrated right now. But I want her to know that I need her in my life and that I love her. I know I don’t always make her feel this way, but I think she’s gorgeous, beautiful, funny and smart. I’m so lucky to have her”

Maybe nothing got fixed, even when he said those words. But it reminded me of what our relationship was made of: communication. I’m still going to work on bringing back the spark. But at least now I have clarification of how he feels about me. Sometimes, you get lovely answers from the most frustrating problems.

Stuck.

Considering my last post was about ED, I feel as if I new to clarify my point of view on this.

We’ve had conversations about his ED and sexual appetite (or lack thereof). Honestly, I feel as if I don’t have a choice.

I don’t want to emasculate him by reminding him that he can’t perform; and I wasn’t going to. The problem is, my boyfriend doesn’t see his ED as a problem. He says that he’s gotten over it at a certain age, since thinking about it was going to make it worse. I understand to an extent.

It’s one thing to put it in the back of your mind when you’re at your horniest peak. But he’s a grown man now. He should be reflecting back on his past and present, and build up the courage to go see a doctor. If he’s still in denial about it, he’s never going to get motivated to go see a professional or seek help.

I don’t think ED is a big deal. I just think his lack of concern about it is what’s worrying me.

I can’t just tell him that he needs to go see a doctor, and that his lack of worry is, in itself, a problem.
But now that I know the truth, I can’t ignore it and pretend it’s not there.

Again, I’m not upset about his ED. I’m more concerned about his physical and mental health.

The worst part is, I’m his girlfriend, and yet, I can’t do anything about it. It’s because I’m his girlfriend, I can’t do anything about it. I feel like I’m going through this alone. And I have no one to talk to about it.

Screw up (I need a free pass)

How many free passes should one person get?

I screwed up last night, and I know I did. But I couldn’t help it, and I don’t see how it could’ve been avoided.

What did I do? I brought up my past. My ex, to be exact. What happened between my ex and I, happened. I can’t change the past, and I do regret it.

To be honest, I had an open relationship on my end with my ex (with his consent, of course) with other reasons added to why I made a decision to do so.

Do I think it’s justified? No. But at the time being, I was young and passionate. Really, that was all that was driving me; passion.

So when my ex cheated on me, some people may say I deserved it. The difference was, I told my ex about the guy. In fact, I never kept a secret from him, and leaving him for another man was out of the question. I know that doesn’t mean anything, but that’s how our relationship functioned. (Or didn’t function)

my current guy now wasn’t as upset as I thought he was. And he told me he was okay with the information he had just told me. But just when I need my words to function the most, I didn’t know what to say. I blanked out and explained my past poorly.

To top it all off, I’m over analyzing it. I couldn’t sleep because it was eating at me. Damn. I thought I had gotten over this stage.

I wish my boyfriend understands that it’s different with him. I wouldn’t do anything to ruin our relationship.

I really hope I’m just over thinking this.

Initiation (Enlighten me)

I thought I had come to terms with this, when in fact, I believe I just bandaged over something that could potentially arise again.

What am I talking about? Initiation.

I think it’s safe to say that all my life, I’ve gone out with guys who suck at initiating anything. Hell, the one boyfriend who did do anything remotely romantic and spontaneous was the stoner kid I went out in middle school.

But as I grew older, I’ve started picking up on a trend; none of my boyfriends like initiating anything, let alone, do anything to surprise me.

Instead of complaining about my exes (who have nothing to do with my current situation and epiphany) I’ve decided to focus on my current beau.

My boyfriend is a sweetheart. He’s as intimidating as a puppy, and he shows affection by ‘cuddling’. He even cuddles more than I do!

But when it comes to initiating, he is not exactly the first person in line.

Like I talked about in my last post, sex is always initiated by me. Going out to dinner to celebrate any holiday or anniversary is usually me. Starting to plan vacations is always initiated by me. The next step in our relationship is initiated by me.

I know this sounds like the typical relationship between a guy an a girl, but is it too much to ask for some voluntary initiation from his side as well?

if you’re not going to initiate sex, can I get some initiation in another department? How about vacation plans? Or just simply asking me to spend more time with you during days off? Simple stuff.

Guys always seem to complain that try don’t now what girls want. But I’m being blunt; INITIATE.

Treat me like a princess sometimes by pretending to play the perfect prince.

“Resentment” (and Whack-a-Mole)

I haven’t written here for a while, since I thought it’d be good to pause and reflect on my life. With that said, we (my boyfriend and I) happily celebrated our first anniversary together! We went out for dinner and just snuggled the rest of the night; perfection, if you ask me.

But I’m not here to gush and update on the progress of my relationship. Lately, I’ve come to a conclusion that I’m strongly starting to grow some resentment towards my boyfriend. And honestly, that word, “resentment”, is a lot scarier than “angry”, “pissed” or “disappointed”. But to an extent, I think a lot of couples feel it. The problem is, getting rid of it.

I see problems in a relationship like whack-a-mole. The moles are the problems. If you don’t hit them down when they come up, more come out of the holes, and you’re stuck with a mole-infestation; or a build up of problems.

Our problem is this one huge mole that keeps coming up because we don’t hit it on the head hard enough. It has to do with how we (mostly he) are going to spend our holidays. He always gives me such short notice, no consideration of my plans, and flies back home. Don’t get me wrong; I think going back home to spend time with family is really important. But when it happens so abruptly, it gets a little bit annoying. Not to mention, it makes me feel unloved. He has other choices he can make considering this. And I’ve even given him some ideas.

Idea 1) invite me to go back home with you. I’ve brought this up with him, and he’s not opposed to the idea. He’s actually surprised that he didn’t think of it first. (Really? That’s why I’m the girl in the relationship, Hun)

Idea 2) plan it WITH me. When are you going? What am I going to be up to? You know, just talk it out with me.

And there are even more ideas you can come up with. It’s just that he doesn’t try. He’s a procrastinator when it comes to solutions.

because we’ve done this so many times, I’m starting to dread the holidays, and am feeling resentment towards him. If only we can come up with a solution and finish this mole once and for all… Cause I don’t want to resent the man who makes me giggle like a little girl just thinking about him.

 

The Fight- The Sudden Realization that He’s a Complete Stranger from the Internet

My boyfriend and I don’t have that many “off” weeks. I find it as an accomplishment, just because in my past relationships, I remember constantly fighting about something or being upset with him. Of course there are always times when we don’t see eye to eye, but we rarely fight. So when our first fight came along, I was not only in awe, but I was also relieved that it was over. Considering we had never really had a disagreement, it was interesting to finally be at a crossroads where neither of us were willing to budge. The incident? Silly, really. But isn’t it always the small things people bicker about?

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I didn’t realize we were having an off week until I reached down deep inside of me and realized that I was somewhat frustrated and annoyed with something. I was never able to put a finger on it immediately, but when it kicked in, I was able to confirm with him quickly. So we had our first fight. The cause was me being upset with him, and I just had to burst. Simply put, he “considered” another woman’s schedule to go hiking with her, when he’d never asked me to do ANYTHING that required planning.

And the way he said it to me too. It wasn’t him asking me for permission (which we never do, and I couldn’t care less). Instead, he told me that this lady was texting him back to confirm her dates off to go hiking with him and his roommate. Now, I’ve met this lady. And between you and I (or just me) I couldn’t respect this lady’s lifestyle. Not that I hate her, but she’s not exactly someone I look up to. And just the way she would ask to “confirm” her dates off annoyed me more than I thought it would.

It pissed me off so much, that I immediately went into “shut down” mode, and I just drank my beer really fast. Not the point. The point is, it still hurts me to think that he thought it was okay to plan things for her days off, but never do anything with me during his time off or even ask for mine. Not only that, the weekend they were planning a hike was the first week I had Saturday off, and I thought it would be nice if we could spend time together, considering I had been busy every Saturday since I met him. He also knew about that at the beginning of the month (although he claims that he had planned the hiking trip for over a month ago) and yet, decided to ignore it.

And I may put the cherry on top, when I told him I was upset, he asked me if I wanted to go with him. No, I don’t want to go hiking with the other two. I was just told that you chose plans with them than plans with me, and what made you think that I would like to “join” you when you obviously just tried to bail yourself without having to make tough decisions?

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Again, it’s quite silly when you look back on it, but the anger inside of me burned like the fiery flames of hell. I respected his hobbies, but his spontaneous actions and the inconsideration of y days off do get to me from time to time. In fact, this has happened more than once. There was never an incident with another woman ever again, but his planing skills suck. 

These are the times when I curse OKC. I mean, I know I was technically the one to make the decision to be with this guy, but OKC introduced me to him. And it just scares me knowing that he’s a complete stranger. I didn’t even know of his existence if it wasn’t for OKC. 
As much as I have that site to thank for the good stuff, I also curse that site for the unnecessary fights in my life. 

The Talk

After going on a several dates, and clarifying that we were both not seeing other people, I lay in bed wondering what I wanted from this guy. Personally, I really enjoyed being with the guy, but at the same time, I questioned myself for dating too soon after my break up. After listing out the pros and cons of being in a relationship, I decided who better to have a new relationship than this guy who was so unlike my ex. (I know it’s not nice to compare, but everybody does it anyways.)

We were just about coming to a month of meeting each other, and we went to a bar to grab a drink. I had my heart set on talking to this guy about what he wanted in the future, and asking him if he saw us going anywhere. I was also going to ask him indirectly, since  I knew it would save us both a really awkward conversation. Of course, it never goes down so smoothly.

“So, when you come drinking with me and my friends, what should I introduce you as? A friend?” This questions was supposed to save my dignity, and allow us to have a smooth conversation without either of us being awkward. My oh my, was I wrong.

He caught on quicker than I had hoped, and he knew exactly what I wanted to ask him. I had a feeling that he would pick up on it, but I had to continue what I had started. And to my surprise, he was smarter than I was, with this conversation and he played dumb until I had to ask him directly.
“I don’t know…. I mean, you can say you’re seeing me. Or just tell your friends that we’re dating?”
This man had tricks up his sleeve, and he was not going to give in quickly.
I was also the type not to want to waste time ,and realized that it was pointless to continue tiptoeing around the actual question.

So after a few more liquid motivation (alcohol), I finally built up the nerve to ask him what I wanted: “What do you think about just being exclusive and labeling it?”
I threw some more words at him, like “monogamy” and “relationship” but decided that it was his decision, and I had to respect his wishes if he wasn’t ready.

To my surprise though, he agreed, and said that he would be okay with labeling our relationship and being my boyfriend. After those words, we drank to our new “relationship” and swore never to talk about this incident again.

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So what did I learn from all of this? There is no way to avoid “the talk” without it being awkward. Mine took about 10 minutes from start to finish, and we went back to laughing and joking around, but it was still awkward.

*Let me also put on note here that a few months later, he confessed that he wished I had waited longer before making it official, but very happy with the results.