Screw up (I need a free pass)

How many free passes should one person get?

I screwed up last night, and I know I did. But I couldn’t help it, and I don’t see how it could’ve been avoided.

What did I do? I brought up my past. My ex, to be exact. What happened between my ex and I, happened. I can’t change the past, and I do regret it.

To be honest, I had an open relationship on my end with my ex (with his consent, of course) with other reasons added to why I made a decision to do so.

Do I think it’s justified? No. But at the time being, I was young and passionate. Really, that was all that was driving me; passion.

So when my ex cheated on me, some people may say I deserved it. The difference was, I told my ex about the guy. In fact, I never kept a secret from him, and leaving him for another man was out of the question. I know that doesn’t mean anything, but that’s how our relationship functioned. (Or didn’t function)

my current guy now wasn’t as upset as I thought he was. And he told me he was okay with the information he had just told me. But just when I need my words to function the most, I didn’t know what to say. I blanked out and explained my past poorly.

To top it all off, I’m over analyzing it. I couldn’t sleep because it was eating at me. Damn. I thought I had gotten over this stage.

I wish my boyfriend understands that it’s different with him. I wouldn’t do anything to ruin our relationship.

I really hope I’m just over thinking this.

The Art of Infidelity

I’ve decided to dedicate this post to my ex. Thanks for teaching me everything I wish I never knew.

A lot of times, it’s hard to define “cheating”. Different couples have different levels of cheating, and to each their own. But the thing about cheating that people don’t quite understand until they come to that crossroads, is that nothing is ever the same again. I mean this in so many different ways, that I’m overwhelmed of even starting.

Of course there’s a difference in the actual relationship between the cheater and the other party. Even if there are apologies and tears, it’s never the same thing. You start doubting everything about the other person, and you constantly want to know what made them cheat on you in the first place. Even if it’s explained to you, you continue to find an explanation that you’d be satisfied with, although deep down, you know that that doesn’t exist.

And even if you choose to break up with the person,  you never come to a conclusion on where you went wrong. You keep questioning if there was anything you could’ve done differently to stop him/her from cheating on you. And if you should’ve forgiven him/her after the truth came out.

Once you finish that phase, you go on to have doubts about every person you are involved with. As unfair as this sounds, you continue doubting the person, because you’re not sure if you can bare the same pain over again. You have a hard time opening up to your new significant other, and you struggle when it gets time to making a commitment. You’re unsure if this relationship will also end in cheating, and you go through a cycle of wanting to believe  your new significant other, but being unable to.

Everything that stems from being cheated on becomes bundled up into one single problem: trust issues. No matter how much you toss and turn after being cheated on, no matter how you deal with the situation, you seem to end up with trust issues. You can’t believe the person who cheated on you, or you can’t believe the next person you decide to share your life with. Either way, you just find a way to doubt the person who you’re meant to trust the most.

I don’t think anybody deserves to be cheated on. No matter what the person is like. I can tell you from experience that the moment you find out is like taking a sharp breath of winter air, and holding it until your lungs hurt. But as you exhale, the pain doesn’t go away. And your brain goes about a million miles per minute, wondering what your next move should be. You can’t think about the future, but you wish time passed quicker to make it all go away.

I remember when I found out that my ex was cheating on me. I found out while he was in the washroom, and his girl-on-the-side texted him. The message popped up on the screen, and that was when I found out. Considering I hadn’t seen him for over a year (long distance relationships are another post!), he had no excuse of this small slip up. *

Now, I’m in a good place, where I’ve learned that not everybody is going to cheat. Even to my ex, I hope that him and his mistress have a good life, and that he doesn’t go through the same pain he put me through. Not because I’ve forgiven him, but because nobody deserves that kind of emotional abuse. Is scarring the person for life, really worth it?

*Note: he left me for his mistress in the end.