Half-Assed Canadian

I questioned myself if I should write anything non-relationship related on here, but it’s my blog; I should be able to write whatever I want. So here it goes….

My first non-relationship related post is about my thoughts on the Canadian nationality. The election is right around the corner (early voting started already), and I’m sitting on the sidelines, waiting to be told the results, unable to participate. Why?  I’m not a Canadian citizen.  I’m pretty fucking close, if you ask me. I’ve been a permanent resident for 20 years.

Although I’ve been to kindergarten, elementary school, high school, and  2 universities in Canada, I’m still not considered a full Canadian. Born in Asia, but being raised in Canada, I grew up thinking I was Canadian.

In high school, when students started hearing about the election, I was in the same boat as everybody else; do a mock election at school because we were under aged.

The real issue hit me this year. This is the first election where I took such a strong interest in politics.  I’ve dabbled here and there in the past, but having to pay for bills, being employed, and just growing up in general, has started giving me an urge to vote for change. I even love discussing politics with my boyfriend and his roommate; they’re smart guys who love reading up on each of the parties, that I got so much discussions and information about each candidate. I felt prepared to vote.

But I can’t. Just because I’m not a Canadian citizen.

That makes sense to an extent. You must be a Canadian citizen to vote. So just become a Canadian citizen.  It’s so much easier said than done.

I refuse to be a Canadian citizen. Why do I 

I feel betrayed by this country. They’re giving out Canadian citizenship left and right, to those that don’t even speak the language (I mean, the language test that you have to do is ridiculously easy). And yet, people like me are sitting on the sidelines, being told we’re not Canadian enough;  not good enough to vote for the next prime minister.

I think I have the right to an opinion like every other Canadian here. I’ve done my share of paying taxes.

The line up for the voting was ridiculous. There were people who barely spoke English!!! How is it okay that I’m being treated like a fresh-off-the-boat, while these people are voting for the next prime minister?! How did they even understand the parties’ campaigns?!

I feel like a failure at being Canadian. I’ve never felt so alone about being Canadian. Apparently,  loving the country,  being raised in the country, and having pride for the country isn’t enough to make you Canadian.

Words

I’ve sat and thought about a fitting title for this post, but I can’t seem to find the perfect words.

It’s been a while since my last entry, and it’s not because I haven’t had an eventful life; I’ve just started a routine living with my boyfriend. Like I had imagined, life is wonderful, just because I get to see his face at the end of the day.

With that preface, I just wanted to paint a picture that showed the state I was in: constant bliss. But there are days when our opinions just don’t match, and eventually leads to an “off day”.

Because we live together, sometimes it’s hard to find that spark to ignite a passionate flame. In fact, we’ve built a relationship based on trust and communication, which tends to take a toll on the passion factor. I’m not saying all couples are like that; we just are.

There are different reasons as to what’s wrong with a relationship, and I’m not saying there’s something wrong with ours. I’m just trying to state that all couples have weak spots that they could work on. And our Achilles heel is passion.

Sometimes, I don’t feel sexy and confident at all. And let’s be honest, it doesn’t really matter what I look like. I believe feeling sexy and confident comes from how the other person makes you feel about yourself. In most cases, it’s how the other person acts, or says about/towards you, and this is what makes you go, “he thinks I’m sexy!” I think every girl should experience this, and every guy should make her feel this way at one point or another. (Effort from the girl is always appreciated, of course).

My boyfriend, Ray, isn’t the “I-can’t-keep-my-hands-off-of-you” type. He has a low libido, and I’m okay with that. However, at times, I want to be treated like the femme fetale, with the sexual tension between us. It’s easier said than done, when you see the other person every day.

Last night, all of this came to a head, when I finally decided I was tired of taking the communication route, when it felt like the physical part of our relationship was dwindling. I shut down.

The more Ray tried to ignore it, the worse it got. But I could tell, he was trying to say something that wasn’t like our previous discussions. Finally, he took my stuffed animal and started talking to it.

“The woman I love is frustrated right now. But I want her to know that I need her in my life and that I love her. I know I don’t always make her feel this way, but I think she’s gorgeous, beautiful, funny and smart. I’m so lucky to have her”

Maybe nothing got fixed, even when he said those words. But it reminded me of what our relationship was made of: communication. I’m still going to work on bringing back the spark. But at least now I have clarification of how he feels about me. Sometimes, you get lovely answers from the most frustrating problems.

Spoiled Princess

I would like to go on record and say, yes, as “down-to-earth” as I’d like to be, I’m also a princess at heart.

Don’t get me wrong, I love joking around, playing games, and lounging with my boyfriend and his friends; and I’m pretty sure my boyfriend enjoys it too.

But I’m also a princess at heart. I want to be pampered and held and spoiled rotten. I want to hear how much I mean to my boyfriend, and how beautiful I am, even on my bad days. Every girl deserves to be treated like she’s the only girl in the world.

Luckily, I’ve hit the jackpot in that department. My boyfriend treats me like a princess almost every day. And I got to experience that today.

Today, I got my four wisdom teeth pulled out. It was my first surgery, and I was nervous about how functional I would be after the surgery.
The surgery wasn’t too bad, but when I got home, I was in for a surprise.
My boyfriend had made the bed, stocked up on soft foods (fruit cups, puddings, juice, ice cream, soup, etc), and even stayed in bed with me so I wouldn’t be lonely. He hugged me and kissed me even though I looked like a drugged up chipmunk, and told me how pretty I was- this was when I knew he was a keeper.

I’m not trying to brag about my awesome boyfriend (okay, maybe a little bit, considering how perfect he is). I’m actually trying to show girls that there is a guy out there that is like a fairytale Prince; just…. Your own version of a fairytale Prince.

So to all the girls out there,
My boyfriend is perfect for me. And he’s made me realize that every girl deserves to feel like a princess. I’ve seen so many posts and articles about flopped relationships, an I’ve had my share too. But don’t sell yourself short. Because once you find that guy, the past won’t matter anymore. Not to mention, how happy you’ll be, no matter the situation you’re in. He’ll make you a better person, and he’ll drastically change your outlook on life. Yah, that dramatic.

Brave

I believe my boyfriend is the bravest person I know. Although he doesn’t act like it, he’s accomplished more than I could possibly achieve at his age. No, he’s not a multi-millionaire that runs his own company, but he’s shown me some truly important aspects of life.

My boyfriend picked up and moved half way across the country as soon as he graduated university. It’s much easier said than done. Knowing he isn’t much of a planner, he just needed a new change, and so picked up and moved. Personally, I’m quite attached to my home town, and have no desire to leave the city. But the courage it takes to leave everything you know and love behind, is a gutsy move, if you ask me.

While in this new city, he met me! And through being with him, he’s opened my eyes to the term “brave”. I don’t know if he does this on purpose, but he’s been an inspiration to me.

He’s always been a friendly person. He’s got a charming smile that lights up the room, and he cracks jokes to see if anybody will join in. He can talk to anybody he wants without it being awkward, and he is just a genuinely nice person all around.
This attitude towards people (new ones in particular) blew my mind. I’m was never unfriendly but I wasn’t the friendliest person either. In fact, I created walls around me so nobody got too close. I’d been betrayed in the past before, not just by exes but by friends too, and it became a natural habit to just keep them out.

But when I met him and saw how he interacted with people, it just showed me what I was missing; interaction with people that leads to conversation and trust. Doing this takes more courage than people think, but there are huge benefits. Ever since I’ve channelled in my inner-friendly-self, I’ve gotten compliments from clients, cashiers, servers, and just random people on the street. The brief interactions with strangers can change a day immensely.

I also felt his courage when he met my family. My parents are from a different country, and English is their second language. This meant that he had to work extra hard to win their approval, let alone, converse with them. He took it with grace, and ever since he met my mother, he’s been nothing but respecting and understanding. The way he tackles meeting my parents every single time, blows my mind.

Due to his parents being out of town, I haven’t met his parents yet, but I’m not sure if I can be as friendly and accommodating as my boyfriend is to my parents. It’s not that I don’t want to act perfectly in front of his parents, it’s just that he does it so perfectly that there isn’t a flaw. He knows when to make comments, he knows when to buy my mom flowers, and he knows when to just give me alone time with my parents. I know it’s not easy for him to be in an environment with a language and culture he’s had no exposure to in the past, but he’s built up the courage and effort to be there for me.

His act of courageousness has rubbed off on me in a good way. His outlook and attitude towards life,

head first, ask questions later

, could be questionable but it’s also very brave. It’s opened me up to a bigger world, where I’m learning and interacting like I never thought I could.
I guess what I’m trying to say in this post, is that a little bravery could go a long way. Not to mention, the definition of

brave

depends on individuals, but to me, my boyfriend is brave.

And then….? (Post Honeymoon Phase)

Some people talk about the post honeymoon phase, but they never really clarify if it’s a great time or if it’s just a bad trip. I guess the moral of the story is, if you have a strong relationship, the post honeymoon phase, hell- any phase, will be sunshine and rainbows. Well, I feel like I just got passed the honeymoon phase, and I can tell you my experience.

I believe my boyfriend and I have exited the honeymoon phase for a while. Although we’re still respectful towards each other, we’re not caught up in our own little bubble, and we realize that there are things that need to be done (work….). I still get butterflies in my stomach when I catch him staring at me, but it’s a good kind of butterfly that makes me want to kiss him silly when it happens.

There are the good days, and then there are the bad days. Our bad days include trying to get our schedules sorted out (we run on opposite schedules), talking about our near future and the roommate, and being too tired to cook food and do other chores. There is a lot of talking involved with this process. We’re both so stubborn, that we aren’t willing to just smile and nod. We also realize that pushing it under the rug isn’t going to do much help. So we end up talking about it (we rarely argue) about the topic, and call it a night.

I have also noticed that it’s important to keep up to date with where you both are in the relationship. There will be days when I just randomly ask him if he’s happy with us. This is both of our chances to get things off of our chest, and to make changes if needed. It’s not a strategy to scare him into thinking I always have a problem with the relationship; in fact, most of the time when I ask him, we are both happy with where we are standing. I also take this opportunity to make sure we are on the same page, and we identify the next step in our relationship that we’re both comfortable with.

There are also the days where he would leave me alone at home, while he went about his business. We don’t need to spend every waking minute with each other. I’ve personally come to a point where I just want an hour to snuggle with him before bed and fall asleep beside him. Simply put, he’ll go do his thing, I’ll do my thing, and we’ll get together in bed.

But there are perks to being in the post honeymoon phase. It’s not just tedious and stale. In fact, the words that he says become more believable as days pass. It’s not like I didn’t believe him before, it’s just that I now know him enough to take his words to heart without doubting every word he says. The other day, he told me he wanted to get old and wrinkly with me. Now to someone who can’t plan for more than 6 months into the future, telling me that he wanted to see me old and wrinkly meant that he saw a future in us. I didn’t make it into a big deal at the time, but I can tell you for sure that my heart was pounding fast. It reminded me of the time he told me he loved me for the first time.

Although things aren’t as exciting or new like the beginning, there are benefits to being in the post honeymoon phase. I enjoy every step I take with this man, and that includes the post honeymoon phase: also known as the comfort stage.

Stuck.

Considering my last post was about ED, I feel as if I new to clarify my point of view on this.

We’ve had conversations about his ED and sexual appetite (or lack thereof). Honestly, I feel as if I don’t have a choice.

I don’t want to emasculate him by reminding him that he can’t perform; and I wasn’t going to. The problem is, my boyfriend doesn’t see his ED as a problem. He says that he’s gotten over it at a certain age, since thinking about it was going to make it worse. I understand to an extent.

It’s one thing to put it in the back of your mind when you’re at your horniest peak. But he’s a grown man now. He should be reflecting back on his past and present, and build up the courage to go see a doctor. If he’s still in denial about it, he’s never going to get motivated to go see a professional or seek help.

I don’t think ED is a big deal. I just think his lack of concern about it is what’s worrying me.

I can’t just tell him that he needs to go see a doctor, and that his lack of worry is, in itself, a problem.
But now that I know the truth, I can’t ignore it and pretend it’s not there.

Again, I’m not upset about his ED. I’m more concerned about his physical and mental health.

The worst part is, I’m his girlfriend, and yet, I can’t do anything about it. It’s because I’m his girlfriend, I can’t do anything about it. I feel like I’m going through this alone. And I have no one to talk to about it.

ED: a super serial confession about erectile dysfunction

I know I’ve written a couple of posts questioning my boyfriend’s sexual libido. As readers may now have guessed, I believe sex is an important part of a relationship. I’ve been thinking day and night on how we could improve our sex life, or at least make it pleasurable for him. But I believe I’ve finally hit a conclusion.

I’ve always had a gut feeling that my boyfriend had ED, but I didn’t want to put labels on it until I heard the word from him. The last thing he needed was his girlfriend questioning his manhood. Funny thing is, he thought he had told me already! So we nervously slipped into the conversation, and we talked about his abilities to get hard.

Although you hear plenty of stories from the people struggling with ED, I don’t think there is enough stories about the person on the other side; the receiver of the D.
Well, here’s my story.

I’ll first admit that sometimes, I get frustrated and self conscious. I can’t help but question if it’s me that can’t get him turned on. But I also realize that it’s not about me when it happens. In fact, the “is it me” idea is so selfish, that I immediately regret thinking it.
Can you imagine what he must be feeling when it happens? Nothing I think or do can even come close to what he’s going through.

But what he doesn’t understand is that I’m not bothered by it as much as he thinks. Yeah, I like sex. But sex isn’t the reason I’m going out with him. Let’s not forget that sex isn’t as good if it isn’t with him. If it doesn’t work at the time, it doesn’t work. There’s nothing we can do about it (unless he takes pills), and I’m okay with that. When it does work, we’ll take that opportunity and have fun, but it’s not the end of the world, just because he can’t seem to get hard.

I just need him to trust me, and stop thinking that his manliness is all in his dick. Yes, it’s called a manhood, but I’ve judged (most girls do) him for his personality and attitude, more than his reproductive organs. (Besides, he does have the organ.)

He tells me I’m beautiful, cooks dinner for me, picks me up especially if it gets late, comes to family dinners, converses with my friends, and supports any decisions I make about my future. (He also buys me ice cream! Best guy everrrrrrr)
He’s the greatest guy I’ve ever met, manlier than any guy that’s ever been in my life, and I just wish that my feelings for him speak louder than his dick’s actions.

I can’t stress enough that I just want him to be comfortable being with me, as I do when I’m with him. I’m here to support any decision he makes about his manhood, and I’ll respect it. In fact, there’s nothing embarrassing about ED. It’s not a choice, and I understand that. So shouldn’t we go through this together? Is our relationship still not strong enough for him to rely on me?
I honestly couldn’t care what the “normal” thing to do in this situation is; I just want to be a comfort for him, no matter the outcome.

Ice cream is exquisite. What a pity it isn’t illegal.

-Voltaire

New Years Sex and Resolutions

“Distance makes the heart grow fonder”
My boyfriend went away for a week to his hometown for the Christmas break, and came back a day before New Year’s Eve.
Although it was just a week, I believe I experienced something called “holy-crap-I-miss-you-for-inappropriate-reasons-that-cannot-be-discussed-with-anybody-during-Christmas-dinner”.

There was just something there. Counting down the days until I got to pounce on him, rip up his shirt, tease him while nipping at his bottom lip. There was just something there.

As soon as he got back, we decided to wait a touch longer since it WAS almost the new year, and we wanted to have mind blowing sex in 2015.

So as we counted down the days together, and we did the count down, we found the perfect opportunity to have sex.

BAM! There it was. The pure bliss of sex that I had been yearning for. It just reminded me of how sex became a routine thing for us, when it should’ve been an exciting time for both. There was a different connection when both of us just couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. Unlike those times when only one of us was horny, we both craved each other like crazy, and went at it like rabbits.

Not to mention, we didn’t do any crazy sex positions. (Yeah, it was THAT good. We didn’t need to switch positions. It was just a crazy ride from start to finish with just the basic positions)

I already learned that sex isn’t something that should ever become a chore. But I relearned the importance of wanting each other. Personally, I want him to want me as much as he did on New Years (and several days after that).
It’s hard to plan the future ahead, but one thing I CAN say for sure is that if 2015 sex is anything like how it started off, we’re going to have a wonderful year.

If I got to give any advice to any of the readers out there, it’s this: sure, a relationship isn’t all about sex. But at times, it’s important to look back and fidget with your relationship so you can both find the fire again.

With that said, my resolution for the year (relationship aspect):
Flirt and tease like at the beginning of the relationship. Oh, and never forget to communicate!

The Beta Male that tried to be an Alpha

Once upon a time, a girl realized that her boyfriend was part of the “beta male” mix, along with Jim Halpert from The Office and Ben Wyatt from Parks and Rec.

And one day this Beta male, realizing that he was Beta, decided to try being an Alpha male towards his girlfriend. He thought of clever ways to assert his dominance, but could only think of telling her he was “asserting his dominance”.

That in itself was so Beta male of him, that it backfired, and his girlfriend giggled like an idiot for the rest of the night.

How?

“How do I know if he really loves me” sang the great Whitney Houston. Of anybody remembers that jam, fantastic! For those of you who have no idea what song I’m referring to, I think those lines pretty much explain the song.

The age old question: how do I know? It’s tough, since the other gender is as confusing as rocket science. And it doesn’t help that it’s all about you.

Personally, I’m one of those people who can analyze the shit out of other people’s relationships. I use to predict how long they would go out for, and how compatible they truly are. But when it comes to myself, I have no clue what I’m doing.

I only have a grasp of what I want in a relationship; what I find important. My list isn’t long. It’s more or less the following:
1) No lying for either partner. Even if it’s a white lie, I’d rather hear the blunt truth
2) Don’t use “I love you” as a deflection or excuse. It’s not a replacement phrase.
3) Laugh together. Don’t take things too seriously when it’s not necessary.

With my 3 “rules”, I was hoping for (and am currently in) a loving relationship where the love just blossoms. (I know, I’m such a realist and yet, this is what I come up with)

Has my relationship blossomed? Sure. I love him unconditionally (at the moment) and he loves me too.
But even with the satisfaction of making my 3 rules work, I always question myself if he truly loves me.

He doesn’t do anything that make me doubt his feelings for me. In fact, he cuddles more than I do, an I catch him staring at me for no reason sometimes. It’s sweet. And I know I’m supposed to believe his actions.
But there are days when I would lien reassurance that he truly does love me.
I want a oujia board to tell me that, yes indeed, he loves me. Or just a romantic comedy-esque sign, just showing me he loves me.

How easy would that be for everybody?

Last note: “I really love you, more than you probably know” is as romantic as it gets, gentlemen.