Options, Decisions and Choices (Oh my!)

I’ve come to realize a certain trend that exists in our relationship, and was wondering if people had the same thing going on? I had never really thought about it until my current boyfriend, and I must say, I’m starting to sound like a grown up.

How do couples deal with decision making? Does ones person in the relationship decide? Do you really talk about every single decision making event?

And I’m not talking about the “what do you want for dinner” decisions, I’m talking about bigger decisions that effect a money, time and emotions.

Personally, my boyfriend doesn’t really give me a choice. He’s not a bully, and he’s sure not as assertive as most guys. But when it comes to something he wants, he will not budge even when it takes a toll on our relationship. I’m also not calling him selfish; he just doesn’t know what he’s doing.

Our latest example is our scheduling for Christmas. He wants to go back to his hometown for the holidays (for obvious reasons) but he just announces it without considering my plans or my schedule. Instead of discussing it with me, he informs me about his plans for the holiday season.
I understand that he wants to go back to his hometown for Christmas. In fact, I encourage it. But he just went back for Thanksgiving as well, and he also just informed me about it.
It comes to a point where I would like to ask him of he can’t make plans involving the both of us.
The worst part is, he doesn’t even know what he’s doing wrong. He’s never had to think about the other person, so he just does what he pleases.
Sure, he says he wants to spend New Years with me, and he’ll be gone only a week, but I never got to decide what I wanted for the holidays.
In fact, we rarely spend big holidays together. (Probably never, except New Years)

I asked him if I could go with him back to his hometown, and he told me he had considered it, but felt bad making me spend my money to just spend time with him. I appreciate his honesty and his kindness, but it’s my money and that would be my choice. If he doesn’t ask me to go back with him, I don’t even have a choice.

Of course, I should just be grateful that he’s such a caring guy, but if I’m trying to do the honesty thing, I’m honestly hoping you’d let me make a big decision for us at least once.

Sex and More Resentment?

I never believed that sex was an important part of a relationship. I thought that the two parties can work it out, and people just make it work. People make compromises, and they keep the other person satisfied to an extent. And a problem does arise, they realize just how silly the topic is, and move on. Man, was I wrong.

Let me put on record, that I thought I was the last person on this Earth to face this problem. I thought I would either be with someone who has a high libido, or compromise with a guy who had a low libido. Either way, I didn’t think “sex” would turn into resentment, and so much hate.

What’s going on right now in my life is very simple. In fact, it’s so simple, that most people can guess it by just reading the introduction of this post. (If you read the other posts, even better. If you really have read my other posts, thank you). I’m being bitter and ignoring the problem as long as I can, about our sex life. (or lack thereof)

I hate it. I hate how much sex we’re having (or not having). I want to have hot sweaty sex, and I’m not sure why I’m not having it. I’m actually not quite sure what I’m doing wrong.

I can take a lot of hits. It takes a lot for me to just breakdown into complete blubber, but my self esteem has takes such a hit, that I’m starting to breakdown into just an unsexy, unwanted, selfish bitch.

Unsexy and unwanted because my boyfriend just told me he didn’t feel like sex (for the 100th time), and a bitch cause I’m giving him the cold shoulder.

You know, it’s not even the lack of sex that’s upsetting me. It’s the fact that we’ve done this so many times, and yet, we still can’t seem to find the answer to make us both satisfied. It’s the fact that you’ve admitted to not having sex with me as much as you should be, and you don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. It’s the fact that I’m always the one instigating sex and fights about it.

I’m so tired of being upset, and being let down, and feeling worthless, and just… trying to convince you and me that we can work this out. Is there really a solution? Do you even see what it’s doing to me? What it’s doing to every word you say?

You call me beautiful, but you don’t show it. And every time you can’t have sex with me, I think your words are lies. Think about it. I can only take so much….

Let there be… More sex!

Has anybody ever fallen into that spiral of “oh-my-god-I’m-not-getting-laid-enough”?
And you realize that the pace you’re going at is probably not going to change?
So the only question you’re asking yourself is if sex is really important in a relationship?
Well, do I have a post for you.

I used to believe in the idea of “Hollywood-sex”. What does that consist of? Both parties being extremely satisfied at the end of sex. I’ve also quickly realized that in most cases, this is not true.

If it were up to me, I would pounce on my boyfriend, every chance I get, and ask him to have sex with me in the dirtiest way possible.

The expression “lady on the streets but a freak in the sheets” (lyrical geniuses) is a respectful way for a girl to show a guy how much she appreciates him. And I would also like to use this tactic.

Let’s talk sex positions for a second. (We might as well touch base with all the topics)
There are so many sex positions we haven’t tried, that the curiosity is starting to eat at me.
I mean, we’ve had our fair share of experimenting, but I think we can do so much more if he just let’s loose.

Am I allowed to go in depth about sex on here? I’m not sure.
But with the pace I’m getting laid at, I won’t have much to update on.

Hey, a girl can be horny too.

Screw up (I need a free pass)

How many free passes should one person get?

I screwed up last night, and I know I did. But I couldn’t help it, and I don’t see how it could’ve been avoided.

What did I do? I brought up my past. My ex, to be exact. What happened between my ex and I, happened. I can’t change the past, and I do regret it.

To be honest, I had an open relationship on my end with my ex (with his consent, of course) with other reasons added to why I made a decision to do so.

Do I think it’s justified? No. But at the time being, I was young and passionate. Really, that was all that was driving me; passion.

So when my ex cheated on me, some people may say I deserved it. The difference was, I told my ex about the guy. In fact, I never kept a secret from him, and leaving him for another man was out of the question. I know that doesn’t mean anything, but that’s how our relationship functioned. (Or didn’t function)

my current guy now wasn’t as upset as I thought he was. And he told me he was okay with the information he had just told me. But just when I need my words to function the most, I didn’t know what to say. I blanked out and explained my past poorly.

To top it all off, I’m over analyzing it. I couldn’t sleep because it was eating at me. Damn. I thought I had gotten over this stage.

I wish my boyfriend understands that it’s different with him. I wouldn’t do anything to ruin our relationship.

I really hope I’m just over thinking this.

Initiation (Enlighten me)

I thought I had come to terms with this, when in fact, I believe I just bandaged over something that could potentially arise again.

What am I talking about? Initiation.

I think it’s safe to say that all my life, I’ve gone out with guys who suck at initiating anything. Hell, the one boyfriend who did do anything remotely romantic and spontaneous was the stoner kid I went out in middle school.

But as I grew older, I’ve started picking up on a trend; none of my boyfriends like initiating anything, let alone, do anything to surprise me.

Instead of complaining about my exes (who have nothing to do with my current situation and epiphany) I’ve decided to focus on my current beau.

My boyfriend is a sweetheart. He’s as intimidating as a puppy, and he shows affection by ‘cuddling’. He even cuddles more than I do!

But when it comes to initiating, he is not exactly the first person in line.

Like I talked about in my last post, sex is always initiated by me. Going out to dinner to celebrate any holiday or anniversary is usually me. Starting to plan vacations is always initiated by me. The next step in our relationship is initiated by me.

I know this sounds like the typical relationship between a guy an a girl, but is it too much to ask for some voluntary initiation from his side as well?

if you’re not going to initiate sex, can I get some initiation in another department? How about vacation plans? Or just simply asking me to spend more time with you during days off? Simple stuff.

Guys always seem to complain that try don’t now what girls want. But I’m being blunt; INITIATE.

Treat me like a princess sometimes by pretending to play the perfect prince.

S.E.X (Yup! I’m gonna talk about it!)

Sex is such a delicate topic, that it’s hard to be truthful to the person you love. If you ask me, it should be a topic that every couple talks about openly, but that’s rarely the case. Especially when it comes to a male and a female, it’s hard to understand what the other partner wants. “Lick me there” is easy to do, but it’s hard to understand why it’s “there” and not “here”.

Lately, I’ve been having frustration towards “sex”, and it’s been eating at me as to why. I know the reason, but it’s not something that goes away immediately. Every couple has their problems, and mine is the following:
My boyfriend doesn’t orgasm when he has sex with me, but he continues to masturbate over the week.

I know it’s not a big deal, and that I should be considerate of my boyfriend’s masturbation schedule, but when he can’t orgasm while having sex with me, I would like to say a few words. Why can’t he think of a way to balance the two, and actually still orgasm while having sex with me? And why is it okay that we have sex when he wants, but when I want it, he just apologizes?

Just a couple of factors involved: I have a higher libido than he does, and I’m usually the one to initiate it. I’ve also been okay with masturbation, and have no problems with porn.

He even lied to me about porn and masturbation. He told me he had gone cold turkey. When I found the porn on his phone, he fessed up, and said that he masturbates a lot. I don’t mind that, but he shouldn’t have lied to me about it. When I asked him why he lied, he told me he was “embarrassed” of his actions. I told him I was open about it, and that he shouldn’t be embarrassed at all, and that it was only natural that he do it too.

We’ve come to an understanding that he could masturbate as much as he wants, as often as he wants between Monday-Thursday. I know it doesn’t help to put him on a schedule, but I see him on the weekends, and I would like every bit of his sexual appetite on me. If he could balance it all, I don’t care when and how often he masturbates. But when he only orgasms once when he’s with me over the weekend (we have sex more than once over the weekend), I get a tad bit jealous of his… hand.

I don’t know how else to tell him that I would like to be the main source of his sexual pleasure (not the only, but the main source). Any ways of communication that worked for anybody? I could really use some assistance….

“That Girl”

Even before I started going out with my current boyfriend, I had a personal set of rules of what kind of girlfriend I would be to the next guy. This revelation came soon after I broke up with my ex, who cheated on me and dumped me through email. I asked myself what I did wrong, and tried to look at my own mistakes from an outsider’s perspective. I came up with the rules for myself.

I didn’t want to be a clingy girlfriend. That was a big one. I thought I was a pretty independent person until I started developing trust issues with my ex. So the new guy I was going to date, had to gain my trust. I don’t need texts every day, or even a phone call unless it’s necessary. I think we should both be busy with our lives and squeeze in time to see each other, to make it that much more special.

I also wanted to stop over analyzing things. Over analyzing causes unneeded arguments and fights. Just evaluate things go hypothetically wrong in your head, doesn’t mean it’s actually going to go wrong in real life. I wanted my next relationship to all be about comport and playing it by ear, instead of dreading of the unknown future ahead of us.

Basically, I wanted a relationship that only brought happiness and laughter, and realized that fights and “serious thinking” weren’t worth my time. Which I still believe.

But now that a year has passed, I find myself questioning my own rules and if I’m still able to keep them. Sometimes, I would catch myself thinking of being “that girl” that I swore I would never become. It looks easier, and she gets away with anything, especially if her boyfriend loves her.

She can whine and be clingy, telling her boyfriend how much she needs her. She can play the damsel in distress and get away with it. How easy would life be, if he’s always wrapped around her little finger?

But the more i think about it, the more i realize that that’s not the kind of relationship I asked for. I still don’t want texts that often, and I still think fighting is a waste of time. Although there are times I want to spend more time with him. But because my feelings towards my boyfriend are increasing, I’ve realized that it’s only natural to want to spend more time with him; which is as close to “that girl” I’ll ever become.

“Resentment” (and Whack-a-Mole)

I haven’t written here for a while, since I thought it’d be good to pause and reflect on my life. With that said, we (my boyfriend and I) happily celebrated our first anniversary together! We went out for dinner and just snuggled the rest of the night; perfection, if you ask me.

But I’m not here to gush and update on the progress of my relationship. Lately, I’ve come to a conclusion that I’m strongly starting to grow some resentment towards my boyfriend. And honestly, that word, “resentment”, is a lot scarier than “angry”, “pissed” or “disappointed”. But to an extent, I think a lot of couples feel it. The problem is, getting rid of it.

I see problems in a relationship like whack-a-mole. The moles are the problems. If you don’t hit them down when they come up, more come out of the holes, and you’re stuck with a mole-infestation; or a build up of problems.

Our problem is this one huge mole that keeps coming up because we don’t hit it on the head hard enough. It has to do with how we (mostly he) are going to spend our holidays. He always gives me such short notice, no consideration of my plans, and flies back home. Don’t get me wrong; I think going back home to spend time with family is really important. But when it happens so abruptly, it gets a little bit annoying. Not to mention, it makes me feel unloved. He has other choices he can make considering this. And I’ve even given him some ideas.

Idea 1) invite me to go back home with you. I’ve brought this up with him, and he’s not opposed to the idea. He’s actually surprised that he didn’t think of it first. (Really? That’s why I’m the girl in the relationship, Hun)

Idea 2) plan it WITH me. When are you going? What am I going to be up to? You know, just talk it out with me.

And there are even more ideas you can come up with. It’s just that he doesn’t try. He’s a procrastinator when it comes to solutions.

because we’ve done this so many times, I’m starting to dread the holidays, and am feeling resentment towards him. If only we can come up with a solution and finish this mole once and for all… Cause I don’t want to resent the man who makes me giggle like a little girl just thinking about him.

 

Compromise: A Suggestion, An Answer. Nay, The Truth

I’ve decided to do this post just because it’s been on my mind. I’ve read so many “relationship help” posts on other websites, that I just realized that the answer to most of these “helps” is really easy; compromise. Let me explain what I mean.

You’re dealing with a completely different person that’s not you. That person is a stranger. You have no idea what that person is thinking, and you don’t know what makes them tick (unless they tell you). Without verbal communication, it’s hard to maintain a good relationship. But because being verbal is only step one in a relationship, and I assume everybody does it, I would like to go into step two, which would be compromising. 

Example 1: 
“My boyfriend wants to go out drinking with his friends but I rarely get to see him, and would like to use that time to spend time with him. How do I ask him to not go?!” 
Well really. It’s simple. If he’s a guy that’s not respecting spending time with you every single week, break up with him. If we’re talking about a reasonable guy who does spend time with you but he’s taking a weekend to hang out with his buddies, let him go. If it’s bothering you that he’s going every two weeks, and you think it’s too much, compromise. It’s really not hard, and it’s not rocket science. 
Tell him that you don’t mind him going out with his buddies, as long as he spends the next weekend with you doing what you guys both like. 

Example 2
“My boyfriend wont come see (insert rom-com name here) with me. I want him to come at least once. What can I do?” 
Again, I would like to point out that rom-coms are not popular with guys. They’re cheesy, and they give unrealistic expectations to guys because the characters are too dashing and whatnot. So what do you do? You give him a compromise. You do something he likes, just as much, to go see this romantic movie with him.

Example 3
“My boyfriend has a low libido,, and I have a high one. He never wants to have sex. What do I do?” 
This one is tricky because libidos are built in your DNA. There’s no changing one’s libido all of a sudden. Sure, medication can help, but how do you ask your partner to be on meds? 
Communication is also key with this one. Why don’t you make a time schedule? It may not sound as “sexy” as it should be, so don’t make a timetable out of it, but tell him how often you’d like to have sex, and ask him how often he would. Then, find a middle ground to those dates, and ask him to put out. Also put in some guidelines; like if you are having sexy time, put your back into it. Neither of you can change your libidos, so just find the middle ground. 

All of these examples and the idea of compromise itself is only if you want it to work with the person. If you’re second guessing your relationship with him, just get out of it. Both of you deserve to be happy, and a compromise is the most civil way to go about any of the relationship problems that may occur. Of course there are the occasional it’s-only-one-person’s-fault kind of incidents, but if it’s about making schedules and how to handle different hobbies, lifestyles, etc, a compromise is best. 

The Social Experiment: Living with Him

Over the week, I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had time to sit down and gather my thoughts. Now that I have, I’m ready to update you on our next “step”, also known as, the social experiment. 

For the last week of August, my boyfriend and I decided to “live” together. A better word for that would be cohabitate. We made our plans briefly, as we didn’t want expectations and guidelines to get in the way of spending a week together. Going out with him for approximately 11 months, this would be the most I saw of him in a chunk of time. I was excited to try out how much we could handle each other, but I was also scared that by the end of the experiment, we would kill each other. Well, now I have the results. 

Purpose: To see if subject A and subject B (in a romantic relationship of less than a year) are capable of living together for at least a week. 

Hypothesis: If Subject A and Subject B are forced to cohabitate for a week, they will get an understanding of what it will be like to be with that individual for a certain amount of time. 

Test: Friday to the next Friday (a week) of sleeping under the same roof. Daily schedules resumed. (Work, hobbies, friends, etc). Other factors and variables were not discussed before the testing, and were conversed about (dinner, dishes, cleaning the house, etc). Discussion about who will keep the key. (Only one was available) 

Analysis: The key was an easy factor to discuss. The person leaving at the later time (girl) would get the key and lock up. Although this meant that she would have to come home earlier than he did, this was not a problem according to her work schedule. 
Other factors discussed in the “test” section above were also not a problem. If the two subjects were to come home at a closer time proxy, they would do the factors together or by taking turns. Most of the days, subject A (girl) would do the dishes before she left for work, and dinner was made once by her during the week. (Weekends were not included in the “chore” list, as they were both at home at the same time frame). 
Daily schedules were not conflicted. Subject B (boy) went to play his hobby on Thursday night, as subject A (girl) worked around those times to see her friends and go out to dinner. Work was also not a problem as subject B (boy) had a 9-6pm job. 

*Only had a meltdown once on Wednesday night, where subject A and subject B fought. It was a personal problem for the both of them, as subject A had a hard time trying to discuss something to subject B. The classic “boy-can’t-listen-girl-talks-too-much” syndrome.

Discussion: All in all, I think it was a good test. Subject A and subject B were able to see how well they would do with each other. At the end of the test, both were required to answer questions (details follow), but they both seemed to understand the logistics of what it was like to see each other all the time. 

*Questions asked: 
1) Do you think it was a good experiment to try? if yes, what did you learn? 
2) Are you now more comfortable with being with that person for an x amount of time, Or are you still afraid of being tied down? (Specifically for Subject B)
3) Would you like to try the experiment (or something similar) again?

Answers: 
Subject A
1) It was a good experiment to try, although it didn’t really allow us to understand what it was like living together (too short of a time). But it was nice knowing we wouldn’t kill each other even if we saw each other every day. 
2) Never was afraid of spending so much time with him. But it just proved that we do well with each other.
3) If time allows, I would definitely like to try again!!

Subject B
1) same answer as subject A. Too short of a time, but definitely great to know that we were civil with each other.
2) It was nice coming home to someone that isn’t a roommate. So not afraid of spending a week with my girlfriend anymore!
3) if time allows, it would be nice to try again. Any time