S.E.X (Yup! I’m gonna talk about it!)

Sex is such a delicate topic, that it’s hard to be truthful to the person you love. If you ask me, it should be a topic that every couple talks about openly, but that’s rarely the case. Especially when it comes to a male and a female, it’s hard to understand what the other partner wants. “Lick me there” is easy to do, but it’s hard to understand why it’s “there” and not “here”.

Lately, I’ve been having frustration towards “sex”, and it’s been eating at me as to why. I know the reason, but it’s not something that goes away immediately. Every couple has their problems, and mine is the following:
My boyfriend doesn’t orgasm when he has sex with me, but he continues to masturbate over the week.

I know it’s not a big deal, and that I should be considerate of my boyfriend’s masturbation schedule, but when he can’t orgasm while having sex with me, I would like to say a few words. Why can’t he think of a way to balance the two, and actually still orgasm while having sex with me? And why is it okay that we have sex when he wants, but when I want it, he just apologizes?

Just a couple of factors involved: I have a higher libido than he does, and I’m usually the one to initiate it. I’ve also been okay with masturbation, and have no problems with porn.

He even lied to me about porn and masturbation. He told me he had gone cold turkey. When I found the porn on his phone, he fessed up, and said that he masturbates a lot. I don’t mind that, but he shouldn’t have lied to me about it. When I asked him why he lied, he told me he was “embarrassed” of his actions. I told him I was open about it, and that he shouldn’t be embarrassed at all, and that it was only natural that he do it too.

We’ve come to an understanding that he could masturbate as much as he wants, as often as he wants between Monday-Thursday. I know it doesn’t help to put him on a schedule, but I see him on the weekends, and I would like every bit of his sexual appetite on me. If he could balance it all, I don’t care when and how often he masturbates. But when he only orgasms once when he’s with me over the weekend (we have sex more than once over the weekend), I get a tad bit jealous of his… hand.

I don’t know how else to tell him that I would like to be the main source of his sexual pleasure (not the only, but the main source). Any ways of communication that worked for anybody? I could really use some assistance….

Anxiety (A True Confession of How it Happened)

I’m only writing this post right now because I think I truly know what I want to say, for once. It’s easy to just pretend that nothing is wrong and put a smile on your face, while deep down, you’re worried. Although I may sound like a drama queen, I know exactly why I turned out this way and why I’m so anxious when it comes to my relationship. 

This goes back to when I was in my previous relationship. Thinking about it now, it probably wasn’t the healthiest of relationships. But then again, all girls go through that kind of relationship at least once (unless you’re really lucky), and you learn from those mistakes and move on. Sadly, as you try to move on, you start dragging with you the damage that was caused during that relationship, and you tend to cross it over to the new one. Which is exactly what is happening to me right now. 

I have so much anxiety, that at times, I can’t sleep. It get’s so bad that I just can’t stop my heart from beating so fast until I get the answer I want. When do I get these feelings? When I’m waiting for a text or just waiting for him in person. When I was in my previous relationship, my ex (let’s call him Max) was not exactly the best at keeping promises. I remember when he set up a date with me, and he would not show up. He would constantly be late, or just not show up at all because he had issues at home (which were legit). This means that he kept me waiting all the time, and at times, when it got worse, Max wouldn’t even call to tell me he couldn’t be there. I would wait for hours, hoping he would come. Even when I tried calling him, he wouldn’t pick up, and it would go to voice mail no matter how many times I called him or texted him. There were days when I thought he was avoiding me, but because he had so much going on at home, it was usually that he just couldn’t get in contact with me. 

This all changed into a shocker that would break me forever (to this day, at least) when I couldn’t get a hold of him the whole day. I tried everything; calling him, texting him, facebook, emailing his parents. Although it may sound desperate and a “red flag”, considering he didn’t show up when I was supposed to meet up with him, and he didn’t even contact me for an excuse was just beyond my understanding. I waited up all night to get a message from him, but I got none. I got about 2 hours of sleep, when suddenly, he burst through my door in the morning and told me he had to move back home right away. (which meant that he had to fly out of the country and to his home country. Until then, he was living with his relatives). To top it all off, he had to leave in 7 minutes, and he was just coming by my place to pick up some of his stuff. And with that, he was gone. We continued a long distance relationship for a while (almost 2 years), but because of the distance, his sketchiness got worse. It wasn’t that he was trying to lie to me or hide things from me; he was just terrible at communicating. 
(I even went three days without getting a hold of him because of a storm that hit his city. Which was actually true)

Even the way we broke up, it was very like him. He emailed me, saying that he wasn’t in love with me anymore and that he couldn’t talk to me over Skype or phone because he knew it would be useless to just talk about it. And that was it. I wasn’t able to get a hold of him ever again. 

To this day, it scares me when my boyfriend doesn’t text me or call me. It scares me when he’s late to meet me. It scares me when I hear voice mail services on the other end. I just can’t seem to stand the idea of losing someone I love so abruptly ever again. Not to mention, I trusted my ex with all my heart. And yet, he seemed to have damaged me to the extent that my current boyfriend gets a blow. 

My current boyfriend has never broken a promise with me. I get scared when he promises to call, but he does. But I still can’t get any hopes up. I’m always afraid that one day, I’m going to get my hopes up, and he’s going to forget and I’ll be left devastated again. Which is why I hate texting him. Because it means that I have to wait for a reply, and one day, I may just not get one. Although it may sound fair, that’s my confession of my anxiety issues.