Words

I’ve sat and thought about a fitting title for this post, but I can’t seem to find the perfect words.

It’s been a while since my last entry, and it’s not because I haven’t had an eventful life; I’ve just started a routine living with my boyfriend. Like I had imagined, life is wonderful, just because I get to see his face at the end of the day.

With that preface, I just wanted to paint a picture that showed the state I was in: constant bliss. But there are days when our opinions just don’t match, and eventually leads to an “off day”.

Because we live together, sometimes it’s hard to find that spark to ignite a passionate flame. In fact, we’ve built a relationship based on trust and communication, which tends to take a toll on the passion factor. I’m not saying all couples are like that; we just are.

There are different reasons as to what’s wrong with a relationship, and I’m not saying there’s something wrong with ours. I’m just trying to state that all couples have weak spots that they could work on. And our Achilles heel is passion.

Sometimes, I don’t feel sexy and confident at all. And let’s be honest, it doesn’t really matter what I look like. I believe feeling sexy and confident comes from how the other person makes you feel about yourself. In most cases, it’s how the other person acts, or says about/towards you, and this is what makes you go, “he thinks I’m sexy!” I think every girl should experience this, and every guy should make her feel this way at one point or another. (Effort from the girl is always appreciated, of course).

My boyfriend, Ray, isn’t the “I-can’t-keep-my-hands-off-of-you” type. He has a low libido, and I’m okay with that. However, at times, I want to be treated like the femme fetale, with the sexual tension between us. It’s easier said than done, when you see the other person every day.

Last night, all of this came to a head, when I finally decided I was tired of taking the communication route, when it felt like the physical part of our relationship was dwindling. I shut down.

The more Ray tried to ignore it, the worse it got. But I could tell, he was trying to say something that wasn’t like our previous discussions. Finally, he took my stuffed animal and started talking to it.

“The woman I love is frustrated right now. But I want her to know that I need her in my life and that I love her. I know I don’t always make her feel this way, but I think she’s gorgeous, beautiful, funny and smart. I’m so lucky to have her”

Maybe nothing got fixed, even when he said those words. But it reminded me of what our relationship was made of: communication. I’m still going to work on bringing back the spark. But at least now I have clarification of how he feels about me. Sometimes, you get lovely answers from the most frustrating problems.

Brave

I believe my boyfriend is the bravest person I know. Although he doesn’t act like it, he’s accomplished more than I could possibly achieve at his age. No, he’s not a multi-millionaire that runs his own company, but he’s shown me some truly important aspects of life.

My boyfriend picked up and moved half way across the country as soon as he graduated university. It’s much easier said than done. Knowing he isn’t much of a planner, he just needed a new change, and so picked up and moved. Personally, I’m quite attached to my home town, and have no desire to leave the city. But the courage it takes to leave everything you know and love behind, is a gutsy move, if you ask me.

While in this new city, he met me! And through being with him, he’s opened my eyes to the term “brave”. I don’t know if he does this on purpose, but he’s been an inspiration to me.

He’s always been a friendly person. He’s got a charming smile that lights up the room, and he cracks jokes to see if anybody will join in. He can talk to anybody he wants without it being awkward, and he is just a genuinely nice person all around.
This attitude towards people (new ones in particular) blew my mind. I’m was never unfriendly but I wasn’t the friendliest person either. In fact, I created walls around me so nobody got too close. I’d been betrayed in the past before, not just by exes but by friends too, and it became a natural habit to just keep them out.

But when I met him and saw how he interacted with people, it just showed me what I was missing; interaction with people that leads to conversation and trust. Doing this takes more courage than people think, but there are huge benefits. Ever since I’ve channelled in my inner-friendly-self, I’ve gotten compliments from clients, cashiers, servers, and just random people on the street. The brief interactions with strangers can change a day immensely.

I also felt his courage when he met my family. My parents are from a different country, and English is their second language. This meant that he had to work extra hard to win their approval, let alone, converse with them. He took it with grace, and ever since he met my mother, he’s been nothing but respecting and understanding. The way he tackles meeting my parents every single time, blows my mind.

Due to his parents being out of town, I haven’t met his parents yet, but I’m not sure if I can be as friendly and accommodating as my boyfriend is to my parents. It’s not that I don’t want to act perfectly in front of his parents, it’s just that he does it so perfectly that there isn’t a flaw. He knows when to make comments, he knows when to buy my mom flowers, and he knows when to just give me alone time with my parents. I know it’s not easy for him to be in an environment with a language and culture he’s had no exposure to in the past, but he’s built up the courage and effort to be there for me.

His act of courageousness has rubbed off on me in a good way. His outlook and attitude towards life,

head first, ask questions later

, could be questionable but it’s also very brave. It’s opened me up to a bigger world, where I’m learning and interacting like I never thought I could.
I guess what I’m trying to say in this post, is that a little bravery could go a long way. Not to mention, the definition of

brave

depends on individuals, but to me, my boyfriend is brave.

New Years Sex and Resolutions

“Distance makes the heart grow fonder”
My boyfriend went away for a week to his hometown for the Christmas break, and came back a day before New Year’s Eve.
Although it was just a week, I believe I experienced something called “holy-crap-I-miss-you-for-inappropriate-reasons-that-cannot-be-discussed-with-anybody-during-Christmas-dinner”.

There was just something there. Counting down the days until I got to pounce on him, rip up his shirt, tease him while nipping at his bottom lip. There was just something there.

As soon as he got back, we decided to wait a touch longer since it WAS almost the new year, and we wanted to have mind blowing sex in 2015.

So as we counted down the days together, and we did the count down, we found the perfect opportunity to have sex.

BAM! There it was. The pure bliss of sex that I had been yearning for. It just reminded me of how sex became a routine thing for us, when it should’ve been an exciting time for both. There was a different connection when both of us just couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. Unlike those times when only one of us was horny, we both craved each other like crazy, and went at it like rabbits.

Not to mention, we didn’t do any crazy sex positions. (Yeah, it was THAT good. We didn’t need to switch positions. It was just a crazy ride from start to finish with just the basic positions)

I already learned that sex isn’t something that should ever become a chore. But I relearned the importance of wanting each other. Personally, I want him to want me as much as he did on New Years (and several days after that).
It’s hard to plan the future ahead, but one thing I CAN say for sure is that if 2015 sex is anything like how it started off, we’re going to have a wonderful year.

If I got to give any advice to any of the readers out there, it’s this: sure, a relationship isn’t all about sex. But at times, it’s important to look back and fidget with your relationship so you can both find the fire again.

With that said, my resolution for the year (relationship aspect):
Flirt and tease like at the beginning of the relationship. Oh, and never forget to communicate!

The Beauty of Silence- And then Hits Boredom

With all the fights and cuddling that relationships go through, there really isn’t much time to talk about the silence that comes up between the two individuals. Since you two are complete strangers, you have no idea what the other person is thinking, and you it may lead to silence. I, for one, know that I talk a lot. I mean, I’m a girl. I naturally just talk. I am also one of those people who create stories out of the blue and pretend that they are happening (no, I’m not crazy). Most of the time, my boyfriend enjoys my stories and plays along. Other times, we just kind of both fall into a quiet abyss and drift into boredom. 

My weekend was filled with “relaxation”. I only put that in quotations because it truly was relaxing, but not in the sense that I got to just lounge and spend time with my boyfriend like I was in a John Mayer music video. (You know “Your Body is a Wonderland”? Have you ever seen the music video for that?!) So what did we do? We actually did nothing. We laid in bed and talked, watched Youtube videos, and played a game on his computer. It was entertaining, draining 10 hours on a PC game, but it was something we were totally comfortable doing. I mean, sex was always on the table, but neither of us really took it. We were both so caught up in the video game, that we decided that we need to finish it in two days, and put sex on the back burner. 

I usually don’t mind these “lazy weekends”, as we call them. They give you time to just unwind and forget about your work load over the week. No matter what you do for work, it’s always nice to just cuddle up in someone’s arms and call it what it is, talking about imaginary planets and clouds shaped like bunnies that come to life. But then we hit the bump of “boredom”. Has anybody really found out the difference between “boredom” and “silence”? When is it okay to have one and not the other? And just because you hit “boredom” at that one point in your relationship, does that mean that you’re going to be bored with that person for the rest of the relationship? In other words, IS MY RELATIONSHIP DOOMED?!

Of course not. You’re allowed to be bored with the other person. You’re still in the stage of “respecting” the other person. I was there for the whole weekend, lying on his bed and playing games. Of course you’ll get bored of me. I mean, if I had to consciously think about my own existence all of the time, I think I’d get bored too. And I truly appreciate the fact that you’re making an effort to keep me entertained. But I’m not a chore. I’d rather have you just lay in silence while so I could take the hint. 

So what exactly do I want to say in this post? Silence is beautiful. Boredom, not so much. But I think boredom is tied to comfort. The more you’re comfortable with the person, the more you’ll get bored of being with that person, or realize that there isn’t a need to constantly have excitement in the relationship. Although “comfort” would be a better word than “boredom”, as long as there’s an understanding that things are finally coming into calm waters, I think it’ll all be okay. 

*Also, THE STICK OF TRUTH was awesome!! It’s so addicting! *
A tiny bit of game review: There is so much content to the game itself. It ties in to the show (South Park, duh) perfectly, and they really try and get all the characters in there. Even…. oh, I can’t tell you! Also, they go into Canada!! The way they laid out Canada was also very cool. The characters were obviously superb, and the more you work on the quests, the more you’ll be able to use the characters. The entire game is really well thought out! 8/10 for me!!! (Just a tad bit short for a game I was so highly anticipating. Thus the minus 2)

 

The Fight- The Sudden Realization that He’s a Complete Stranger from the Internet

My boyfriend and I don’t have that many “off” weeks. I find it as an accomplishment, just because in my past relationships, I remember constantly fighting about something or being upset with him. Of course there are always times when we don’t see eye to eye, but we rarely fight. So when our first fight came along, I was not only in awe, but I was also relieved that it was over. Considering we had never really had a disagreement, it was interesting to finally be at a crossroads where neither of us were willing to budge. The incident? Silly, really. But isn’t it always the small things people bicker about?

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I didn’t realize we were having an off week until I reached down deep inside of me and realized that I was somewhat frustrated and annoyed with something. I was never able to put a finger on it immediately, but when it kicked in, I was able to confirm with him quickly. So we had our first fight. The cause was me being upset with him, and I just had to burst. Simply put, he “considered” another woman’s schedule to go hiking with her, when he’d never asked me to do ANYTHING that required planning.

And the way he said it to me too. It wasn’t him asking me for permission (which we never do, and I couldn’t care less). Instead, he told me that this lady was texting him back to confirm her dates off to go hiking with him and his roommate. Now, I’ve met this lady. And between you and I (or just me) I couldn’t respect this lady’s lifestyle. Not that I hate her, but she’s not exactly someone I look up to. And just the way she would ask to “confirm” her dates off annoyed me more than I thought it would.

It pissed me off so much, that I immediately went into “shut down” mode, and I just drank my beer really fast. Not the point. The point is, it still hurts me to think that he thought it was okay to plan things for her days off, but never do anything with me during his time off or even ask for mine. Not only that, the weekend they were planning a hike was the first week I had Saturday off, and I thought it would be nice if we could spend time together, considering I had been busy every Saturday since I met him. He also knew about that at the beginning of the month (although he claims that he had planned the hiking trip for over a month ago) and yet, decided to ignore it.

And I may put the cherry on top, when I told him I was upset, he asked me if I wanted to go with him. No, I don’t want to go hiking with the other two. I was just told that you chose plans with them than plans with me, and what made you think that I would like to “join” you when you obviously just tried to bail yourself without having to make tough decisions?

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Again, it’s quite silly when you look back on it, but the anger inside of me burned like the fiery flames of hell. I respected his hobbies, but his spontaneous actions and the inconsideration of y days off do get to me from time to time. In fact, this has happened more than once. There was never an incident with another woman ever again, but his planing skills suck. 

These are the times when I curse OKC. I mean, I know I was technically the one to make the decision to be with this guy, but OKC introduced me to him. And it just scares me knowing that he’s a complete stranger. I didn’t even know of his existence if it wasn’t for OKC. 
As much as I have that site to thank for the good stuff, I also curse that site for the unnecessary fights in my life. 

Back to Advice! (of online dating, of course)

My recent posts have been usually about online dating sites, and how to maneuver around the not so obvious. Do you need photos of yourself up? Do you need to tell the absolute truth? Should you consider going out with a guy who you’re on the fence about? There’s just so many factors playing involved with online dating, that it’s almost ridiculous to try and do it all by yourself. That’s why we have the internet.

So what other advice do I have for the people who need it? Let me do my best to explain things to the best of my abilities.

1) Don’t give up after just one date. It usually takes more than that to actually find the perfect match.
With that said, it doesn’t mean to go to dates left and right without choosing your partners. Pick and choose wisely, but don’t get your hopes down just because date number one didn’t go out as planned. People are different online. So keep your hopes up, and move on or give the guy another try.

2)Match percentage. Ugh, those.
I don’t think you need to obsess over the match percentages. I, for one, wasn’t the type to put much thought into the questions that were being asked on OKC. Which means that those who read my answers may think that they have nothing in common with me. Actually, some of my answers need explaining, or my answers could be persuaded as otherwise, depending on the question. So, what am I trying to say? Maybe consider the guys who were above 50% match with you.

3)What is the most important thing you’re looking for in a guy?
Answer this question. Seriously. And just look for that quality in a guy. It could be as shallow as looks, or a specific book. It doesn’t matter. If he fits into that category, shoot him a message.

4)Don’t read too much into his profile.
Just because he likes Caucasian girls who play D&D, doesn’t mean that you’re not going to fit well with him. In fact, it may surprise the both of you. Just because you’re not a certain ethnicity or lacking one quality that the person is looking for, that doesn’t give you a reason not to message him. Just try it out. Maybe conversation will flow much better than those other people.

Overall, OKC is about meeting people, not analyzing them. Yes, it’s important to be picky to an extent. Don’t let looks be the only thing to sway your decision of messaging the guy or not. But make sure you realize what you’re doing on the site. You’re looking for a human being to spend time with. So give people the benefit of the doubt.

More than Basics (of Online Dating)

I know there have been a lot of articles and columns giving advice on online dating. Simple rules that make it easier for first timers, and trying to prevent catfishing from happening. But what people don’t know is what to do after you’ve covered all the basic instructions. How can one get the full experience of online dating?

So I’ve decided to write this post because my way seemed to work for me. Why keep something good just for myself, when I could help people with my advice? Now, this may not be for everybody, but it’s a different take on online dating, and if it works, it works for you. I’m glad I could be of service.

1) You don’t need a profile photo showing your face. (But you do need a photo of you)
I start out with this particular advice because there are a lot of people (mostly women) who are still uncomfortable with having their photos online, let alone a dating website. I was one of them. So I put up a photo of myself to let people know that I do exist, and I covered my face (exhibit A: my profile photo for here as well) This way, people knew I existed, but I also didn’t have to display myself to the public. If a guy was interested in me, or I was interested in him, I would send him a private message with my photo attached to it.
This also filtered out the assholes who were only selecting through appearances. It’s easier to have a decent conversation when he isn’t telling you how much he’d like to sleep with  you.

2)Send out random conversation starters. Don’t be shy. (Even if you’re a girl)
My point number 2 is sort of an attachment to point 1. If you don’t have a decent profile pic and you’re also searching for a good guy, don’t put yourself on a pedestal. No one is going to message you if you don’t have a good picture (cause let’s be honest, no one wants to message an ugly person). With that said, most guys are nice enough to message you back if you message them first. So shoot him a text and don’t be shy about it. Start off with random openers, like: “Do you like ______?” “Are you a cat person or a dog person?” Just random silly stuff that would make the guy ponder.

3)Be honest, but don’t give yourself entirely away through online conversation.
I only say this to those who like writing paragraph long answers. It’s nice that you’re opening up to that person, and trusting them. I understand that you want him to know things about you. But don’t give yourself entirely away. Leave it for when, and if, you do meet. This way, you can elaborate your stories, and have more to talk about. It’s always nice to find something you have in common, but you don’t want to have nothing to talk about when you do meet the person.

4)Meet the person if they ask to do so.
Don’t be shy. Make sure you’re safe and in a public place, but other than that, meet the guy. If you’re taking your time trying to woo him just online, it’s not going to work. A lot of people expect chemistry when you meet them, so it’s just a waste of time to continuously trying to make him fall in love with you online. Especially with online dating sites, the idea is for you to meet up so don’t expect him to like your personality as soon as you start chatting with him. No matter how great your personality is, sometimes, there just isn’t that chemistry when you meet.

5)Be open to the idea of meeting someone online.
For me, it was hard to actually accept the fact that I met my guy online. It’s kind of embarrassing to admit that I was on OKC, and that that was where I met him. I was embarrassed even before we met, and I considered cancelling my “meet-and-greet” with him. But I pushed myself to go, in case he turned out to be a really great guy, and we had chemistry. Well, I’m glad I went and kept an open mind about it, because I can officially say that I’m happy I met him.
Just be open to new ideas. Don’t just shut down a person because he’s not a knight in shining armor. No matter how you meet him, and no matter what kind of conversation you had online, he may just start growing on you.

These advice were written to help anybody who needs it. It may not be the correct formula for everybody. But if it worked for me, than it could work for some other people too.

The Adventures of Online Dating

I’m going back to the beginning. My adventures on online dating began when I realized that I wasn’t meeting anyone new at my work place. it had been a while since I started working at my current job, and there were barely any male employees. I also am not the type to go out to bars to find that “decent” man, since I don’t believe they exist at bars. So my only choice, or so I thought, was to try online dating. I know it’s been said more than once, but I didn’t try it to find a guy, but maybe a friend who I could go out for drinks and have a good laugh. Other than that, I didn’t have such high hopes in online dating, and didn’t really think I’d meet anybody good, or at all in that matter.

I went on a couple of “first dates”. I wouldn’t exactly call them “dates”, and instead, let’s call it a “meet-and-greet”. It usually started out the same. We would message back and forth for a bit, and he would ask to meet me. I was skeptical about meeting at first, but realized that if I ever wanted to find a friend, I would have to meet them, talk to them in person, and see if we had anything in common. I generally contacted first, as I was sure that no guy really read millions of profiles, and knew that it’d be easier for me to just find someone I had something in common with. I didn’t really look at the match percentage, since it was just a number, and let’s be honest, a human should be able to find more commonalities than a computer.

My first date with a guy was with someone who liked hockey. I am also a hardcore fan, so conversation was smooth. Although I didn’t feel an instant connection with him, I didn’t think much of it. He apparently thought the same thing too, and since he was more serious about finding a girlfriend, he told me he didn’t really want to pursue a friendship with me either. I didn’t mind at all, but I did wonder what this “connection” he was looking for was. What kind of connection am I supposed to look for?

There was another factor that was involved that I should mention. My profile picture did NOT have my face on it. I didn’t feel comfortable plastering my face on a social networking site, especially a dating website. So if I messaged a guy and he messaged back, I was sure to send my photo through email personally to him, rather than keeping him in the dark. It also helped me filter out the guys who were only looking for a one-night stand, as appearance is more important to them than a decent conversation. Also, when people found out I was Asian and didn’t message me back anymore, it was easy to just move on.

I think I went on 3 “meet-and-greets” and none of them were really worth being friends with. Some truly just wanted to fuck, while others were just really really boring in person. There really wasn’t a “click” (although I wasn’t sure what that was), but it was easy to say goodbye to them at the end of the night, and I didn’t really wait in front of my phone for them to call back. So it was easy to just forget about them.

But then I found Ray* on the site. He didn’t have a decent photo on his profile (I could barely see what he looked like), but his interests were sort of like mine. We both enjoyed books, and playing video games from time to time. I asked him if he liked the rain, and that was how our conversation started. By the time he asked me to meet, I was ready to just call it quits and delete my profile. I was bored of the idea. But since we had been talking for a while and he seemed like a nice guy, I decided to go on one last date. (Honestly so.) I even thought about cancelling last minute since it started to rain, and I was dreading going.

I’m glad I changed my mind. I walked over to the coffee shop, and he was reading a blue book. That was his marker. I walked over to him and instantly thought he was cute. But more than that, conversation was amazing. We had so much to talk about. We talked, and talked, and talked, that by the end of the night, it felt like I had known him for years. I didn’t want to say goodnight to him, and I prayed to God he would call me back.

That was the beginning of it all.

*Names have been changed for obvious reasons